my feelings got hurt tonight. really, sorta bad– leaving me weepy and not feeling very good about myself. the hurter, didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. but hurt them he did. and he said he wants to make it up to me, to make it all better, and i just don’t know how that’s done. i don’t know what someone can do or say to make hurt go away. he apologized sincerely, and i accepted that. that made the anger go away, but the anger’s usually not the problem. anger burns hot and white and fast. it’s the hurt that lingers. it’s the hurt that makes you think bad things about yourself about not mattering and being unworthy and forgettable. that’s the part that sucks.

and when you start to get into that cycle of self-deprecation, that just makes everyone sick of you. because who wants to listen to that nonsense? and even though it might be all good in the morning, it’s still the truest thing you feel at the moment. and that’s got to mean something doesn’t it?

when i think about it i wonder that if i didn’t have such hang-ups about not being good enough or interesting enough or charming enough or being forgotten if the events of tonight would have transpired the way they did. if i had just a bit more confidence, perhaps nothing would have happened and i wouldn’t be hurt.

and really, now that i think about it. i think that’s what the problem was. i was feeling super insecure tonight. i was nervous and in a social situation that was new. i don’t deal so well with parties filled with people i don’t know. it makes me acutely aware of myself and that makes me awkward. and though i do believe i was egregiously ignored and treated poorer than i deserved, i’m willing to accept some responsibility. i have to learn to tell people what i need.

but still, i’m hurt. and i just wonder, how do you make the hurt go away?