i’ve been thinking a lot about reproduction lately. today, wondergeekjohn was standing outside by cube yelling “pay attention to me, pay attention to me” while doing some sort of weird pirouette.
“you know,” i said. “you make me not want to have children. you make that biological clock just stop ticking.”
then later in the afternoon, i was talking to pat, whose in my writing class. he’s skipping on thursday because he has to go to a piano recital.
“so, do you have to give up everything you are and everything you want when you have kids?”
“no.”
“sure seems like it to me,” i said.
“well, it depends on how involved you want to be in your kid’s life. you certainly don’t have as much time for yourself.”
all this got me to thinking about kids and my life and those vague goal-type things i’m supposed to have. i’m worried. i’m worried that to have children that i’ll have to give up all the cool things i like about myself. i’m worried that if i have children i’ll become one of those no-personality momsters or something. and i so very much don’t want that. so much so that i’d skip the kids to stay me.
is it possible to become a mom and not a momster? because it seems like so many parents i know, that’s what they are– parents and they’ve given up everything else to be that.they seem to lose all interest in everything but their children. blech.
i like to think that i can still be me, making mix tapes, listening to westerberg, writing and what not and be a mom. or is that just some silly pipedream? i like to think that my kid(s) would totally dig that i have a life, that i’m an actual person and not a momster whose every waking moment and thought revolves around them.
is this possible? or am i just being totally, utterly naive?
Miss Jodi:
I’ve only been a mom for a year, but I’d like to think I’m pretty much the same nut I’ve always been: still boycrazy, actually more into music then I’ve been for a long time, definitely more inspired to write again. There are those who definitely go overboard: http://www.mommyblog.com/
your comments cut me off!! anyway, most of my friends are just like me: pretending not to grow old, grooving to the oldies, and in my case, trying to get laid.
Most important to remember: no have-tos in life. Kids, husband, whatever. Only what you want to do. Then you make it work. And you already know that whatever you CHOOSE, you will be able to make work.
I’m a thinker – I think until I can’t think anymore, and then I’ll think about something else. Thinking is my release, it’s my expression, it leads to my creative need to draw, sing, anything to just purge.
Since when is being naive in terms of motherhood a bad thing? I think for everyone it’s different. The sad thing is that most people in this generation base their own image on how they will behave in their own marriage, love life, career, etc. because they base it so heavily upon what they see in the media, or let me re-phrase, what the media shows them. Not all though, I will of course say that, I for one rarely watch television aside from some favorites shows and such, but in terms of those reality-based things, it’s to much for me. I think you should understand you are unique and unlike anyone else out there, and how you will eventually be as a mom (if you decide to be one) will be all answered when the time comes.
If you have a big heart (which I gather you do…) and if you truly care for kids and the importance of raising someone to love themselves, be unique, express themselves as you have clearly done, you can be the hippest coolest mom on the planet – I know plenty and they’re amazing.
My 2 cents from a passer by – come say hi to me at my website if you ever get curious.
Jamie Leigh
The Official Jamie Leigh Website
http://www.jamieleigh.net
Becoming a mom des tend to be a little consuming – I still do many of the things I used to do, but I have to plan them a bit better and coordinate more. (Of course, much of that is due to the fact that I also have a husband, and that requires MUCH more in the way of compromise!)
What I find is that, while I don’t have as much time for lounging around and doing whatever, if I plan well and put some effort into it, I still am the same sort of person doing the same sorts of things I enjoy.
And of cours, the joys of being a mom more than compensate for the extra planning hassle.
Honest, kids don’t want you to give up your whole self for them. Those “early years” can be pretty intense (especially if you are obsessive-compulsive, like me, and undiagnosed, like I was). But it’s like anything else. Balance is essential.
Some people lose their whole personalities when they fall in love. Some people find them. Same with having kids.
So many of my acquaintances are classic momsters. Outside of their kids, their entire lives consist of
A:What to eat,
B:What’s on TV
C:What can I buy at Walmart.
D:What kind of hideous SUV should I buy.
And yes they have given up and have resigned themselves to chopping off their hair like middle aged lesbians and dressing in sweatpants the rest of their lives. I have never met more achingly uninteresting people.
But then again, the realization that such a personality ditch exists is most of the battle already won. You will make a cool mom!
It’s a personality thing. Women who become momsters were wholly uninteresting sheeple before having children, investing themselves entirely in their husbands before the babies were born, in boyfriends before they were married, in some activity (cheerleading, student council, stuff like that) when they were in school, people who think in boxes and don’t really care about much outside of their little, proscribed lives. That’s not you. Don’t worry.
Everyone?s lifestyle is constantly in flux. While single, or not committed to a monogamous relationship, most folks only have to worry about themselves. You can be fairly selfish with your time without having all that much of an impact on anyone else.
Then you get involved with someone else, a committed relationship. Your concerns shift as much of what you do impacts your partner. You can?t be so selfish any longer. You give up some freedom and basically give yourself to that person. The trade-off is easy. They give themselves to you. Ideally, that?s what happens anyway, and it?s 50/50.
I can?t speak from experience yet, but when the rugrats come along, you basically live your life for them. Everything you do, in one way or another, is for the kids. Even things like self-improvement. You make yourself a better person so you can be a better parent for your children.
The way I look at it, raising a child is the ultimate self-sacrifice. You give all of yourself and expect little or nothing in return.
It?s no so much that you give up all the cool things when you have kids. The cool things just change, I think. Just as they would if you didn?t have kids. All things change. And think of all the new Westerberg fans you could raise.
All valid points of view.
As you know jodilove, I have two chillin and while there is some sacrifice, I still do many of the things I deem “cool”. Yes, I have to do things like make lunches in the morning and drive them to and from everywhere when I don’t particularly want to, but many times it’s worth it.
I still listen to my music, read my books and watch my movies at the same time I must listen to Zoe’s music, read Finn’s Dinosaur books and don’t get me started of the evil that is Disney (as in movies).
That said, I guess I enjoy my time more. As you marry and procreate your priorities change. Or at least I would hope you would change, for the better. Children have made me more patient, more caring, more something…
If your friends have turned into momsters that’s what they want. To stay true to your self as you grow older is difficult and a lot of work.
But no one said this would be easy.
I’m blown away by the insightful feedback. I’m struggling with the same question myself these days.
I recommend a little zine called “East Village Inky” — proof that moms can be cool:
http://www.ayunhalliday.com/inky/
It’s something I struggle with, too. I’ve never had these elaborate dreams about having children, and a lot of women seem to have had them. To me, having a kid (only one!) is something I sort of want to do, but if it doesn’t happen, I’m not going to tear myself up about it, either.
I’ve seen too many women completely sacrifice themselves on the altar of their children, while their husbands keep on doing whatever it is they were doing before there were children, and it makes me sick.