i am dressed in raw nerve today. it’s like skin has been scrubbed away. i feel exposed. i feel invisible. my mind is here, it’s not here. it’s gone.
i feel bad for coming to work and not going to the hospital. but there’s nothing i can do for grammu sitting there. nothing that i couldn’t do here while i’m working. am i a bad granddaughter?
should i be there smiling at her and holding back the tears?
i’m throwing myself into work, because there is so much to do and oddly, it’s a pleasing distraction. i want a hug. i want a shoulder to cry on. i want to scream at everyone to be nice to me– though i haven’t a clue what that would entail, even though nobody’s being mean to me. i want slack cut in my name. i want special favors. i want to be throught about and looked kindly on. mostly i just want to stop being so damn angry.
Have you tried a physical outlet for your anger?
Sounds like a lot of frustration and helplessness is mixed in there. Have you a specific target for your anger?
Work is probably helping because it is something you _can_ do which is usually quite a relief when you’re stuck in a situation where mostly you can only wait…americans in particular are really bad at situations where the only thing you can do is wait.
If you are in touch with your family at the hospital, and ready to go if needed, then you have done what you can, and are prepared to extend yourself as needed.
Take care of yourself. Eat a decent lunch, make sure you take your breaks.
Remember, you _do_ have people who think kindly of you….