the old-fashioned way

last night as i was scribbling non-stop in my tacky blue notebook, i realized that i’ve gone back to writing a paper journal. it’s weird. i haven’t kept a written journal in years. well, nearly three years to be specific, since i launched iwilldare.com. i just stopped with the physical journal, i decided that i didn’t need it anymore. i would get frustrated with how slowly the pen moved, not keeping up with what i wanted to say.

now, with things that are going on and with so many readers, i’ve decided that yes, in fact, some things should be private — not many, mind you, but some. it’s weird. i thought i was the most open person there was on the Web and now that i have things and so many readers and people involved in my actual life who read, i’ve discovered that maybe people don’t need to know every thought, every action, every mood swing — which kind of makes me feel like a dirty cheat, like i’m lying and telling half-truths. it also makes me wonder that if i had complete anonymity, if i’d be different. it also makes me wonder if i shouldn’t have caffienated chocolate for lunch.

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6 Comments

  1. Bonny 21.Jul.03 at 3:43 pm

    Goddess, Jodi, it sounds like you are maturing!, good for you.

    Reply
  2. buffle 21.Jul.03 at 5:00 pm

    I tried the complete anonymity bit. It doesn’t work so well. Sorry, I might be part of the large crowd of unknowns making you retreat to the paper copy.

    Reply
  3. jodi 21.Jul.03 at 5:05 pm

    oh no! buffle it’s not the unknowns that make me retreat at all, it’s the knowns. it’s just that showing your hand to people who could take advantage of it, isn’t always a good thing.

    Reply
  4. buffle 21.Jul.03 at 8:49 pm

    I know exactly what you mean. I think I’d be slightly more forthcoming if some of the “knowns” were pruned from my blog readers list.

    Reply
  5. Thomas 22.Jul.03 at 7:06 am

    It depends on who you are keeping your true feelings from, Jodi.

    If, hypothetically speaking, you were trying to keep your true feelings from someone like… oh, I don’t know, TTHM for example… someone you were in a budding relationship with, then it could be viewed two ways:

    1) You’re trying to have him learn about “you” from you; Having someone know what you were doing today, what you were thinking today, what you were feeling today and you haven’t even kissed him hello, well, that’s a very unnerving feeling. Last time I checked, you weren’t looking for a psychic, just a guy to take care of who takes care of you.

    2) You’re scared. Shitless, even. You’ve been damaged by boys who use your feelings and needs to their advantage, and then discard you. You’ve documented as such here numerous times. You’ve said how you don’t feel loveable, yet you want to be loved. You’ve also said that if TTHM, or anyone, were to get to know the real you, they’d take off running.

    The questions you might want to ask yourself are many. Are you withholding details because now there’s this MAN (not just some boy)who reads your blog, and this man could use your intimate details against you? Are you withholding details because you don’t want this man to know the “real you”, and, in your self-deprecating logic, he’ll leave you? Are you merely trying to have something new to talk to him about?

    My advice for you is to be YOU. If your nature is to lay it all out on the line, then do so; Don’t let your self-fufilling prophetic abandonment defense mechanisms turn on. Maybe he’s not getting close to you through duplicitous blog perusal, but because he truly and deeply is developing feelings for you. I know you’re scared, at least a little, but if you keep throwing obstacles, internal or external, you will sour any emotions that may be desperately yearning for exploriation.

    Do what you need to, Jodi, but don’t hurt yourself… or him…

    Reply
  6. snarky 22.Jul.03 at 10:59 am

    You can be honest yourself without spilling every single detail of your life. You don’t have to work out every issue in your life out on paper. Just be true to yourself when you decide to post. It sounds like your relationship with the TTHM needs a little private space to take root in. That’s more important, anyway. Besides you have to save the juicy stuff for the big novel you’re going to write someday!

    Reply

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