the message is very plain, i hate your answering machine

Last night I called and I got the answering machine. I didn’t know what to do. In the instant it took for his message, I was able to compose myself, force my voice to sound carefree and lighthearted and left a casual message. “Hello, It’s me, Jodi. You’re probably sleeping or something. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

As soon as I hung up, I curled up into the fetal position and I cried. I cried for a good long time, I think I even cried myself to sleep. Which is unusual, because usually I cry myself awake. It’s a strange reaction, I know. People leave messages on answering machines everyday.

But the minute I heard the machine click in, it was April again. The desperation washed over me again. I was alone and he was avoiding me. Last night when that answering machine asked me to leave a message I wasn’t calling the TTHM to apologize, suddenly I was afraid and alone again, I was begging the Outlaw to make me worthy. Ugh. My stomach is turning and my eyes are burning just thinking about it.

I’ve often said the surest way to hurt me is to ignore me, pretend that I don’t exist, or better yet that I existed once but that you completely forgot about me. Yelling, screaming, calling me names, I can take all that. It’s the silence I can’t deal with. It sends me spinning. The silence is where the dark side of my imagination reigns and it’s in that silence I give you the blackest, meanest words and thoughts.

That’s how the Outlaw polished me off, with silent indifference. Night after night I would call leaving ever more desperate messages. I never cried into his answering machine, that, I suppose, is my one shred of dignity. I always waited to cry until I had hung up. I am so ashamed.

So I got the TTHM’s answering machine and I’m so right back to where I was three months ago. I’ve already decided that he’s tired of me, I’ve bored him, and he despises me to such a degree that he won’t even return my call. That I will never hear from him again. It’s quite drastic. I know it’s probably absolutely ridiculous. But that’s where I am, lost in my fear and the despair of an old habit.

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5 Comments

  1. heather 31.Jul.03 at 12:08 pm

    oh yes, you are my twin. *hug*

    Reply
  2. jodi 31.Jul.03 at 12:21 pm

    i know that it’s totally irrational, but i can’t help it. blech. i haven’t even told him the whole story of the outlaw, it was too much. i should tell him and maybe he’d understand. i’m just not sure if i can yet.

    Reply
  3. Bonny 31.Jul.03 at 6:39 pm

    This, what you’re doing here, is WHAT MEN HATE! This is exactly why men lose interest. Trust me. If there’s “always something”, you’re no fun to be around. If you’re no fun, say “buh-bye” to just about any man just getting to know you.

    Reply
  4. jodi 31.Jul.03 at 8:54 pm

    yeah, i know. i am learning that the hard way. thanks for stating the obvious and rubbing my nose in it. it’s much appreciated.

    Reply
  5. Bonny 01.Aug.03 at 8:59 am

    Do you watch Everybody Loves Raymond?? I’m pretty sure that most guys are a lot like Ray, though perhaps most polite. They don’t like sad sacks; they don’t want to “win” a woman other man have rejected. They don’t _really_ want to hear about the Outlaw; they really want you to say “who?” & never bring it up again. Angst is not attractive to most guys. They don’t find insecurity charming, it annoys them. That’s just how they are! Too bad you didn’t have any brothers, you would know. I’m not rubbing it in your face. Listen to your elder!

    Reply

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