I left work at 6:30 tonight, putting in 11 hours even though i wasn’t even supposed to be there today. I got into ruby and rolled down the windows. It was beautiful out. Today was the kind of day with the sun shining and the air so full of the sweetness of lilacs and crabapples that you get happy just from breathing.

Then I drove. I thought I was just gonna go home, but I just kept driving. driving. driving. And I thought.

Though I like to blame circumstances, I made a decision today. By letting my current workplace dictate a potential interview, I made a choice. It was my decision. I could have told work NO. I could have said I cannot make this sacrifice. I cannot help with this HUGE project. But I didn’t. I said yes. They asked me, and I said yes.

And while I spent most of the day pissy with what happened to me. I realize that it could have gone differently.

So even though I?ve been pouty, I am oddly thrilled. This project, this deadline, it’s HUGE. HUGER than anything I?ve ever done before. I can do it. I?m worried as hell. But I have faith in myself.

I will find all the right words. I will summon all the power I can and I will do this. I will do it so well, they will be in shock!

Darling ones, it’s amazing, really. I had not one, not two, but three co-workers come to me today for help. These are people are well above me on the corporate food chain. But they came to me because I?m the writer, because they have faith that I can help. It?s such an amazing feeling. So, so, so amazing.

And while I drove, I realized all this. I?m amazing. I?m gonna be ok. I sent a venty e-mail to the notify list at the very height of my anxiety. Please, do not worry. I smelled the lilacs. I?m ok.

I think I’m even going to be ok about the recent heartbreak. I still (and probably always will, because there are still boys from my way long past that I think this about) harbor a small, secret hope that he’ll change his mind. I still like him, I can’t help it– despite what happened he’s a good guy. I don’t have it in me to be angry for very long– it’s too much time wasted. I don’t have that kind of time, nobody does.

But if he doesn’t change his mind (and i realize that there’s a 99.9999% chance that he won’t), it’s ok. I wish him laughter. I wish him well. I think I’m ready to let it go and let my achin’ heart start to heal.

And as I ponder crawling into bed, fortifying myself for a day with my very best friend and her beautiful orangeyhaired two year old, I have Liz Phair ringing through my head. . .

“You?re lucky to even know me. You?re lucky to be alive.”