i love the movie circle of friends, i love the book even more. but i’ve only read it twice, i’ve seen the movie about 583 times. it’s a good movie, once you get over the fact that minnie driver is playing a fatgirl.

i love this movie mostly because the fatgirl gets the boy, it’s like a fairytale to fatgirls.

anyway there’s one scene in the movie where bennie’s yelling at jack. she says something to the effect that even though she may look big and strong, i think she calls herself a buffalo, that doesn’t mean she isn’t fragile and easily broken.

it’s something to that effect. of course it’s much more eloquent in the movie. well, i guess it’s not: “You mustn’t mess me about. I know I may seem like a rhinoceros, but really I have thin skin.” perhaps it’s more eloquent in the book.

regardless my point is, i too have a really thin skin. my whole entire life my family has told me i am too sensitive. i always think of it as there way of dismissing my feelings. over the years i’ve gotten pretty good at hiding hurt feelings. but hiding them doesn’t make them hurt any less.

somehow i’ve managed to end the night with a big bag of hurt feelings. this rhinoceros just wants to curl up into the smallest ball imagineable and hide under the covers, crying, crying and crying as if i’d never stop. not ever. i want to pity me and pout. i want to curse the gods for making me unlovable and easily forgettable and just entirely too easily hurt. i also want to curse them for making me an easy target.

but i’m not going to do that. i’m going to cry just a little bit. well, maybe a little bit more than that. then i’ll give myself a pep talk about how it’s ok to be alone. how it’s ok to be lonely. how just because someone is cold and distant doens’t mean they hate me and that maybe, just maybe their entire world does not revolve around me.

then i will pout a little bit more and go to sleep. then tomorrow will be a new day and we can start all over again.