i have reached maximum capacity for everything: stress, lonliness, busyness, and anything else you care to throw at me.
i’m keeping it together by a thread. a very fine, nearly breaking thread.
tomorrow will be hell, of this much i am sure. the double-whammy of product launch + valentines day +pms just might do me in.
if anyone chooses tomorrow to remind me how alone and pathetic and unlovable i am, i might snap and kill them. if i can just get through tomorrow without having a breakdown, i’ll be ok.
if i can play the role of carefree, independent single woman, everything will be ok.
if i don’t have to hide in the bathroom and cry, i’ll be ok.
if i just keep telling myself everything will be ok, maybe i’ll start believing it and everything really will be ok.
and yes, this is all about me. i know it’s a case of the mean reds, and i know i have pms and i know it’s february, but it’s more than that.
i am terrified. i’m at a crossroads, a juncture, and every other cliche you can think of. i feel helpless and powerless. and mostly i’m just so goddamn mad that nobody seems to care that i am in pain. that i am scared and i can’t do this by myself anymore. i just need someone to care, even if it’s only pretend.
Saying I understand and I’ve been there won’t make you feel any better, I know. But, I have and I survived and so will you, I promise.
People do care about you. I know it’s painful when there’s no one to care for you the way you want most. Just be gentle with yourself and treat yourself the best you can. Good luck tomorrow! I’m rooting for you!
I am not a woman, so I can’t speak to the PMS issues, but stress and stuff, I can do. That fine little string that is almost parted? It isn’t holding stuff together, it is the tape at the end of the marathon. Once you burst through it, you will just want to drop on the ground and sleep for a long time, but once you get through it, you know that you have accomplished something most people would not even think seriously about attempting.
I care, Jodi. *hug*
Just remember: you are my valentine, my only valentine, you make me HAPPY, when skies are grey!
i care too, jodi, and i don’t even have to pretend.
i hope you start feeling better soon.
Cross-roads/junctures are always hard. That’s why they work: they force us to take long, hard looks at ourselves and decide what we like and what we dont and what we’re goign to do about it.
Don’t worry too much about it. You have friends, you have family, you have plenty of net-people to help you through this. It will all work out, I promise.
Goodness Jodi, I just hope your being at a Crossroads won’t have anything to do with Brittney’s new movie “Crossroads,” which comes out this weekend.
Maybe you should go see it? Kind of for a “Thank Goddess I’m not…” well, whatever serious Brittney fans are.
Whatever and ever. Amen.
And you’re not powerless. Don’t you remember the first 8 rules of Fight Club?
I think there were only 8 total.
And tons o’ folks care. And you can’t count me, all the voices in my head, and whatever dumb pseudo-alter-egos I have, as all being among them.
Ooh! Book recommendation! If you read this, I promise you’ll feel better! Go out and buy yourself a copy of “Legacy of Luna” by Julia Butterfly Hill. I can’t go into how incredible it is right now (I’m supposed to be working!), but it’s easily one of the top 10 books to change my life. Check out what they say on Amazon or something. Really. No. I mean really, really.
I’m going to a lecture Julia is giving tonight. I may be single, but I have friends that love me so much, and Julia is one of my all time most incredible heroes, so you know what this means?
Valentines Day RULES.
Life RULES.
That is all for now. Happy V-Day to you! Eat some of those gross little candy massage hearts for me.
As always, I type too much,
will
it could be worse. you could have a boyfriend who gave you a book about TROUT for valentine’s day. Trout. Trout!
TROUT!!!!!!!!
Jodi, I still care for you, and always will.