all you need is a pretty song

i think i have found the definitive test for the betrothed.

if a couple can easily put the duvet cover on the down comforter without coming to blows, they’re meant for each other.

see, i just attempted this task solo (of course because i am not betrothed or otherwise occupied). this is no easy feat and if i were dating myself surely i would have punched myself.

i have a king-size comforter and a cover to go with it. today i had the brillant idea of washing all the bedding because there was more cat hair on it than the cats. usually i avoid this chore for as long as possible because i hate making the bed (however, let the record show that i love making out in the bed).

getting the sheets on is pretty easy. even the goofy fitted sheet that goes on the bottom. i can never ever figure out how it goes because the sides all seem of equal length when i throw it on the bed. tonight, i was lucky and got it right the first time.

then came the dreaded duveting of the comforter. the damn thing didn’t come with an instruction manual and really it should. if you are looking for a way to make a quick million, write up some instructions on how to accomplish this task without getting sweaty and swearing. then sell it for $19.95 a pop. you’ll be rich in six months, really. i’ll buy the first copy. i’d write the book myself except, as you will see, i cannot quite do this without getting sweaty and swearing.

before i even set out i have to take several deep breaths and try to calm myself. then i set about to tying the corners of the comforter to the cover. you’re supposed to, this is not just my kinky-want-to-tie-things-up-in-bed side coming out. but much like the fitted sheet dilemma, i am never quite sure which corners should be mated. and this isn’t even the hard part.

the hard part is getting the corners tied and then getting the giant, fluffy blanket into the cover and getting it buttoned. that’s where the sweating and swearing come in. see, you have to fluff the blanket over the bed about 59,206 times to make sure you got it on right– and even then you still aren’t totally sure. but by that time you’ve already untied the corners about 384 times and that’s when the swearing kicks in. finally when you are pretty damn sure that you’ve got it on right you go about buttoning the thing up and then you notice that the damn tag that cannot be removed under penalty of law is sticking out of the buttoned-up side and you just know that when you go to snuggle into your clean, freshly made bed that it’s gonna scratch against your leg, but really it’s not worth all the unbuttoning and untying and retying and rebuttoning to fix the oversight.

then by the time you’ve got it all done and the bed looks just delightful, you’re too hot and sweaty to want to crawl in. even though you’re a big baby today and all you want to do is hide into your bed you don’t want to climb into the clean, fresh bed and get it all sweat covered and stinky.

anyway, somehow i have determined that this task would be much easier with two people. but really, it probably isn’t and that’s why it’d be the perfect test for you and your loved one to be.

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2 Comments

  1. heather 06.Jan.02 at 3:37 pm

    duvet covering instructions:

    1. turn duvet cover inside-out.

    2. insert arms into cover.

    3. grasp far corners, one in each hand.

    4. use “gloved” hands to grab opposite corners of duvet.

    5. hold tightly & “dump” cover down over duvet.

    6. shake until settled nicely.

    7. button.

    8. fluff.

    voila!

  2. derrick 06.Jan.02 at 4:07 pm

    exactly! i was thinking that the entire time, but was beat to the punch by… 20 minutes? grr.

    but yes. it’s still not a fun job, but it is doable w/o sweating, at least.