maybe it’s because happy hour was cancelled.

maybe it’s because the phone only rang once tonight and it was chad from the toyota dealer.

maybe it’s because chad was the only person on the planet happy to talk to me.

maybe it’s because i haven’t done a damn thing at work all week because of meetings.

maybe it’s because i’m scared and overwhelmed and a little bit stressed out.

i am not sure why, because tonight i am lonely. lonelier than i have been in a great, long while. it’s the kind of lonely i could feel rolling in. i could hear it coming when i boiled some pasta for dinner. i thought i could sweat it out, this lonely.

but it was stronger than situps and sweat.

i knew it was coming, this lonely. i knew it this morning when i woke up frowning. it’s odd to feel yourself frowning and notice it– ‘especially at 8 in the morning.

but so this lonely, it’s the really bad kind. it’s the black of sunday night on a cold day in february lonely. it’s the heart pounding, can’t breathe, panic attack lonely. it’s the lonely that’s going to make me crawl into the middle of my bed, curl up and cry and cry and cry.

i will cry until my face is sticky and puffy, and my hair is wet. i will cry until i have to turn the pillow over because the wet spot is bothering me.

yes, it’s here. my eyes are watery, my throat aches, my hands shake. i blink fast and i can keep the tears at bay. because i am stronger than this.

if i were a hobo you’d call me jodi lonesome. i just don’t understand why everyone is too busy for me.

utoh, i didn’t blink fast enough. my glasses are starting to steam and somewhere there’s a pillow that’s waiting for me.