Well, Darling Ones,

Today is a nightmare combination of anxiety and complicated grief offset with a slate-grey sky out my window to just really, *chef’s kiss* this day.

My brain weasels couldn’t decide what should be the priority, my winter-driving anxiety in the face of 3-4 inches of slushy snow falling at the moment, the impending diagnosis of macular degeneration/retinopathy/tumor, or the fact that today is my dad’s birthday.

If you’re new here or have forgotten, I drive a 1999 Chevrolet S10 I bought twenty-one years ago. Her name is Ruby and I love her, but she’s a puny 2-wheel drive truck that cannot handle any kind of snow. Not the smartest vehicle for a Minnesotan.

Rubes is so shitty in the snow that when I lived in a crummy apartment in Prior Lake I used to have to get pushed out of my snowy parking spot on the reg. Lucky for me, one of my Friday night bowlers lived in the same building and he was always willing to give me a shove. I paid him pack in Bud Lights.

Rubes is so shitty in the snow that we had a scary accident back in aught-six. That accident and the 1991 death of Sister #2’s BFF due to back ice, is why I refuse to drive when it snows.

So I had to choose one more day of anxiety about my possible macular degeneration/retinopathy/tumor or the anxiety of driving to the eye doctor in 3-4 inches of slushy snow with the added worry about whether or not I’d be able to get out of my driveway.

I chose one more day of degeneration anxiety, which has effectively cut my anxiety in half, so now my brain has time to focus on what today is really about.

My dad’s birthday.

It’s the first one since he died and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

For most of his life we were not allowed to acknowledge his birthday. There was a temporary lifting of the embargo once the niblings came along, but not for long.

He hated his birthday for reasons he never told us. Whenever we’d ask he’d say, “I just do.” Maybe because he shared a birthday with his own abusive father? Was it from decades upon decades of untreated depression? Who knows?

Even writing about his birthday here feels disloyal. I’m not sure I believe in an afterlife or anything, but I don’t want him to haunt me for writing about his birthday.

Bleh. Life is rough, man.

I’m gonna go shove eleventy-billion episodes of “Bob’s Burgers” into my brain until I feel better.

Jodi

P.S. While I was getting this post ready I was listening to some live versions of Jason Isbell’s “Anxiety” on YouTube, and then they popped up Frightened Rabbit’s cover of “Whole of the Moon” and that was a delightful gift from the universe (or algorithm if you want to be no fun).

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Dear Darling Ones,

My stomach hurts.

Today in #BigBlizzardInMyBackYard hijinks I made some Big Blizzard Bars (Corn chex, peanut butter, chocolate topping). After a failed nap, I decided to give a little taste while putting them away.

They are fucking delicious. So delicious I ate about seventeen tiny slivers of bar in about 55 seconds. Then, because I needed some balance in my life, I also shoveled down a handful of Doritos. And thus, a stomachache is born.

Currently, I am regretting everything. In my defense, multi-day weather events are nothing if not a holiday from regular life. That’s what I keep telling myself to justify a multitude of poor behavior.

For instance, this morning before getting out of bed I googled “How often does a human have to bathe?” Turns out I am well past the time when I should have last bathed.

I should have just showered this morning because the dream I was having when I woke up was about being annoyed because I couldn’t shower. i could shower because Sister #4 was hiding from my cousin Karen who kept ringing the door bell. And my dad was complaining about poor sleep but refused to let us give him a better bed.

Anyway, I’ll shower tomorrow. Probably.

Yesterday in #BigBlizzardInMyBackYard hijinks I made meatloaf and potatoes au gratin (because I had a bunch of half-and-half that was two days past due). I also fell down a capitalism hole and when I got out I discovered I was soon to be the not-entirely proud owner of:

1. The new Jason Isbell record “Weathervanes” that is coming out right after my birthday.
2. A bunch more Girl Scout cookies even though I have not finished the first batch I bought.
3. Not one, but two (TWO!) Dolly Parton Funko Pops.

I say not-entirely-proud because I’m working on reigning in my conspicuous consumption. I’ve done a mediocre job so far. I pre-ordered a bunch of stuff, which doesn’t feel like buying things even though I know it is.

Unfortunately, that’s all the hijinkery I’ve managed thus far. Despite wanting a multi-day weather event to be a holiday from real life, real life does not always cooperate. I’ve got a big work deadline that is taking up a lot of my time.

I’m also working on a Greatest Hits According to Me about Matthew Sweet, which is taking up the rest of my time.

Love,
Jodi

The post #BigBlizzardInMyBackYard Day 2 appeared first on I Will Dare.

So Darling Ones,

Allegedly, a metric fuckton of snow is going to fall from the sky and land on the Twin Cities and surrounding areas over the next three days.

The meteorologists say it’s likely 16-20 inches of snow will fall from Tuesday afternoon through Thursday night. Though, I’ve seen some maps that say 25-28 inches is likely in the Twin Cities metro area.

I am calling this storm the #BigBlizzardInMyBackYard.

If you learn one thing about Minnesotans from this blog, please let it be how very much we enjoy talking about weather. I love that for and about us. This means we always, always, always have small talk at the ready for every situation.

• Hot enough for you?
• It’s not the heat. It’s the humidity.
• We really need the rain.
• Cold enough for you?
• It’s so cold the tears froze in my eyes.
• Sometimes it snows in April, Prince even said so.
• If it snows in May I will do some murder.
• October is beautiful and perfect and the only reason to live in this hellscape. That, and the right to have an abortion being law.

See? The topics are endless, as is the fear of impending climate disaster.

Despite being an angry hermit who rarely leaves the house, this kind of weather triggers my severe weather anxiety. I’m all kinds of amped up even though I have nowhere I need to go and nothing I need.

I did some panic grocery shopping and have my kitchen stocked to comfortable levels. For me comfortable levels means I can make bacon and eggs for ten people if I needed to. I don’t even like to cook bacon, and yet I feel best when there are three packs of it in the freezer at all times.

Also, just to be super safe, I have three pints of ice cream, three kinds of bread, and eight donuts (all the same kind, I’m not totally off my rocker).

You can take the food-insecure child out of poverty, but you can’t take that insecurity out the middle-class woman she grows up to be.

Bring on the blizz,
Jodi

The post Just Thinking About the Weather appeared first on I Will Dare.

Hey Darling Ones,

I am not dreaming as I write this, but please forgive me if I go astray.

This morning I had a frustrating dream about trying to take a picture of an implausibly pink sky. In the dream I was trying to capture the color of the sky because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. Or I would forgot about it before I woke up.

I was delighted as fuck when I woke up around nine this morning, remembered the dream, and found five pictures taken between 5:47 and 5:52 a.m.

The sky really was that pink. It wasn’t just my imagination. It was kind of wondrous and creepy to behold. I’m not sure what a pinky purple sky portends, imminent doom? Love at first site? Harbinger of imminent mystical powers? Heartburn?

Should we all be partying like it’s 1999?

It’s probably just a sign of the dire weather coming our way, which is way more boring than even heartburn.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you because it was fucking magical.

Life is just a party,
Jodi

The post This Really Happened appeared first on I Will Dare.

Dear Darling Ones,

As I type it is 57º in Shakopee, Minnesota on this the 15th day of December in the year 2021. Future Darling Ones may read that sentence and be all, no bigs, so it’s a little chilly in Minnesota in December, that happens sometimes. Oh, Future Darling Ones, I’m so sorry about the hellscape you inherited. It sucks. Back in the olden days Minnesota was consistently cold and snowy in the winter. Now, in the year 2021 it is chaos. We got 12+ inches of snow in Shakopee on December 10th. Tomorrow the high temperature is supposed to be 24º.

There are severe thunderstorms and tornadoes forecasted for this evening. Weather people are losing their shit. It’s actually kind of charming while also being spooky.

Shit is weird today Future & Present Darling Ones. bell hooks died. A story about a cat named Jorts took over the entire Internet. And then there’s this weather.

I don’t read a lot of dystopian/speculative/sci-fi books. It’s not my jam. However, from what I have read all those author nailed the weird, rapidly changing weather. This is also not my jam.

And of all the weather-related jams that are not mine, tornadoes are the most not my jam. All phrases relating to whether or not things are my jam, are my jam.

I’ve had tornado anxiety since I was a kid. I’ve mostly grown out of it and the weather has to get super creepy for me to get my hackles up. And guess what Darling Ones everywhere on the time-space continuum? The weather is super creepy right now.

So here’s my advice on how to prepare for a snownado, as the middle-aged people of the internet say, your mileage may vary.

• Sleep in as much as possible and grumble loudly about how you’re fucking trying to sleep while everyone in the nation appears to be texting you.
• Upon accepting that sleeping time is over, exercise while listening to the latest ep of your podcast which is not a podcast you make but rather the only one you listen to.
• Skip the shower because you don’t feel that grody.
• Listen to your new favorite song, Joy Oladokun’s “sorry isn’t good enough” about 12 times.
• Go to the grocery store to stock up on all the donuts and most of the coffee creamer. While you’re out start gathering all the provisions for Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas brunch, and Rock & Roll Bookclub Dirty Santa. Holiday parties do not stop for snownadoes.
• Start writing this list until you feel a nap coming on.
• Charge your phone & Angrboda. Take that nap.
• Wake and ponder if the noise outside is melting snow dripping off the roof or if it has begun to rain.
• Doomscroll through twitter, which is utter chaos. The vibes are off, Darling Ones.
• Take a picture of your front yard so you can show the contrast and also the annoying as fuck Christmas lights the new Fence-y neighbors used to decorate their kids’ play structure. Feel super Grinch-like because you hate those lights. They shine right into your bedroom and it’s like the episode of “Seinfeld” when the Kenny Rogers’ Roasters sign illuminates Kramer’s bedroom.
• While standing in the doorway eye your tree warily and ask it politely to not fall over and if it needs to fall over to do it anywhere but the front window.
• Listen to the entire Joy Oladokun record. Again.
• Finish typing this list while pondering what to have for dinner.
• Ask Mother Nature to chill out with the weirdness and keep everyone safe.

As ready as I’m gonna be,
Jodi

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