Dear Darling Ones, My new biggest fear is what’s going to happen to me when the novelty of my condition wears off. We’re closing on four months since the stroke, and I’m worried people are going to tire of helping me. And I still need so much help. Nobody in my life has expressed to me in any way they are annoyed by my needs, but it’s still on my mind. The lexapro I started taking during the terrible light-headedness/panic…
Hey Darling Ones, Last night I started Monsters: A Fan’s Dilemma by Claire Dederer and it’s giving me fizzy, Pop Rocks brain in the best way. This is wonderful because I’m bored to death of anxious prairie dog brain, which involves my inner-monologue shouting,”EVERYTHING IS WRONG IN HERE” every 42 seconds lest I forget I had a stroke and my body is now composed of floppy scoops and lead. I’m only three chapters in, so I don’t have any real…
Hi Darling Ones, I am very cranky today. This says a lot, because my normal demeanor includes a lot of low-level crankiness. Today, it’s extra super very. Can I list off all my reasons for crank? Of course I can. This is my website. I can do what I want. I’m not gonna though. All the things making me grouchy are the average things that make everyone grouchy. Broke. Busy. Got a summons for jury duty when I JUST had…
Hey Darling Ones, Since the stroke I spend a lot of time thinking about my hands. I also spend a lot of time thinking about Marge Piercy’s poem The Friend. I’ve carried this poem inside of me since I read it in my Women’s Lit class during the summer of 1991. That’s some staying power. Incidentally, I’ve also been singing that one Jewel song. You know, the one they play on “Dawson’s Creek” after Jen dies. I cannot blame this…
Dear Darling Ones, Since the stroke is on my mind every second of every day, I seek out things that make me forget it for even a moment. Not forget. That’s not a thing that will happen. I’m seeking small segments of time where my brain is distracted enough that it’s not constantly thinking “Wow it’s weird in here. The right side of your face is still numb. Is this how you’re gonna feel forever? Is the floppy scoop still…
Dear Darling Ones, There have been a few curious side effects of having a stroke. For instance, I no longer need to have coffee every day. I kicked a 20-year caffeine habit on accident. In the beginning making coffee, preparing a cup, and transporting it to the living room was just too much work. This was in the need-a-nap after breakfast days. I kept waiting with dread for the bonkers, all-day unkillable no-caffeine headaches. They never came. (Full transparency, I’ve…
