So I was busy playing around with bezier curves and what not here at work, when screaming out of the deep dark ether came the dream I had last night. While it wasn?t a disturbing dream on it?s surface, it?s still got me a bit shook up.
Last night I dreamt that as a surprise for my birthday, sister #2 arranged for me to meet my biological father. in the dream I remember standing in the living room alone, watching the front door swinging open. I was terrified. Then this man with curly greying orange hair filled the doorway. I was disappointed because he didn?t look as much like me as I had hoped. His eyes were too light, he looked so old (you gotta remember that the only pictures I have of my biological father are 30 years old). He was much smaller than I had anticipated and he was dressed in military dress clothes. Like he was a general in the army or something.
Following him were two younger people, a girl and a boy. The boy was about 20, the girl a few years younger. She was probably about 17. They were my half-brother and sister. They were both heartbreakingly gorgeous. Envy burned in my stomach. For reasons I couldn?t understand he had made a choice to raise these kids, they were his. All I wanted to do was ask him what was wrong with me. why didn?t he want me?
In the dream there was a stiff-armed, awkward hug and surprisingly no tears from me. I didn?t know what to say. We sat on the couch, my half-siblings sitting near their dad?protecting him. I sat at the edge of a purple chair and focused on the shiny buttons of his military garb. The half-siblings chatted merrily, telling me what a wonderful dad he was. The way he gazed at them with such joy and pride physically hurt me. their wonderful upbringing, well-adjustment and confidence radiated from them like warm, yellow sunshine. As I sat on the edge of that chair nodding and smiling at their small talk, I could feel myself turning into an evil stepsister.
Suddenly, in the middle of their chatter, I stood up and said how I really must be going. I had some important appointment I had to be at. I left this house, where ever it was we were meeting, and stopped at a gas station to fill up (in the dream I had a swank jeep). I went in to pay for my gas, I was horrified that it had cost me $98 to fill up, and the trio was there. I tired to slink about so they wouldn?t spot me, but they did. My biological father was buying the half-sibs some candybars and I started sobbing in the middle of the gas station.
Then I woke up.
awww…
jodi needs a hug. and your biodad needs a smack over the head.
I’ll beat up the two kids…
it was a DREAM. it didn’t really happen.
Do you have any plans to try to meet him?
I know it was a dream. He still needs a good smack though. He indirectly made you dream that by being a dick.
want me to beat someone else up for you? i’m tough!
some unsolicited thoughts from a nosy semi-amateur:
two aspects strike me as interesting – the military clothing and the gas station episode.
the military clothes could mean different things, depending on your feelings toward the military. i’d guess you’re politically liberal, and probably regard the armed forces as a necessity for the country, but that you aren’t particularly comfortable with them. there may also be some confusion as to military authority: they generally aren’t directly “in charge” of us, but they are the guys with the guns/power. there is an odd sense of both connection and separation from them. how often do we run into the military in our daily lives? but if some colonel gave you an order, you’d probably do what he said, no? so i’d interpret making your bio. father one of “them” as evidence of your uncertainty over how he fits into the paternal role. the focus on the shiny buttons shows an interest in and a respect for him, but the overarching tone is that of intimidation. mitigating factors would be his smaller than expected stature (though note that he nonetheless filled the doorway), his age, and the presence of children who loved him.
overlooking all gross freudian symbols of a gas station, it is interesting. you were going there for a fill-up, literally to fuel yourself to continue your journey. significantly, you had to do this yourself – there was no parent to do it for you. while this is empowering, the high cost of doing so (emotionally?) left you “horrified,” indicating that you on some level seek more nurturing, more help. compounding these bad feelings was the fact that the father was there buying candy bars for his other children– while you have to fend for yourself with the fuel (and it doesn’t seem like too much to consider this your sustenance), a necessity, he is purchasing luxuries, treats, for his other children. this would indicate to me that on some level you feel you need your father, and that he is choosing others over you.
i’m glad, jodi, for the swank jeep you gave yourself. i think you deserve it (and i think you know that, too). and don’t forget that you were able to buy your own gas. also, remember that he’s your blood – he might be just as scared to meet you as you are to meet him.
this has gone on too long, but i’ve had a similar situation and your fears spoke to me. good luck to you!
matt, that was wonderful! now i beg you, reveal yourself!