It?s not a secret that I?m the girl no man has ever said I love you to. This isn?t exactly true, mostly because of the word love and its various meanings. I mean my dad has told me he loves me, max tells me he loves me all the time. I?ve had male friends tell me they love me. So, there?s that.
It?s not a secret that I?m the girl whose never been loved, again which isn?t exactly true. Because I am love, a lot. I know that.
But saying that is so much easier than saying, I?m the girl whose never had a man touch her cheek and look into her eyes and say ?I love you.? I?m the girl whose never had some man she?s dating kiss her on the forehead and say, ?I love you,? while laughing. I?ve never had a man touch my shoulder while we tried to sleep and say ?I love you.?
It?s just never happened to me. It?s a fact I can almost accept without crying. Almost. It still makes me cry when I think about it, not so much because it hasn?t happened but because I just accept that this is a fact. To me that?s almost sadder than never being told ?I love you.? Almost.
I have a friend going through another traumatic heartbreak, the kind of heartache that brings you to your knees and makes your stomach hurt. I listen to him rail against the pain, rail against the loss of love, and I say nothing. Because the only thing I can say is, ?I don?t know.? This makes me sound like I?m not listening or paying attention, which isn?t true. I?m listening quite closely. I listen to him talk about her, I listen to him cry, I listen to each catch of his breath.
And while my heart aches for him, while everything I have cries out to help, to make this better, there?s a part of me that?s just awestruck. Really, I?m just stunned that someone could love with such abandon that the loss of this love is enough to bring their life to a grinding halt. So while I listen to this pain, secretly I think it must be pretty amazing to have had something to cause such pain. I think the joy that could have been experienced to cause such a reaction must have been fan-fucking-tastic.
Of course, I just think all this, because I don?t know. I?ve never known anything like that. I mean even when I was going through the worst of my break-ups, I never felt like that. Perhaps I was doing something wrong. But I don?t think that?s the answer. I just don?t think I?ve ever felt so deeply for someone that the loss of them would cause me to gasp and my knees to buckle. I?ve never had a grown-up relationship. I don?t know how adults in love act towards each other. All I have are the silly misguided notions that filled my head as a 14-year-old who read too many bad romance novels. Though I know that?s now how love is, that?s all I know. The closest I?ve ever come to love is reading about it in books and hearing people talk about it. I?ve no experiences to compare.
And it makes me feel sort of bad, to listen to my friend?s pain and be jealous ? envious. It?s hard, for me to stay quiet. I just want to shout out about how lucky he is to have even had something that gave him so much joy to cause a pain this big. What I would give. . .
Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Fire and Ice by Robert Frost
hold on to your ignorance by way of inexperance. never love. don’t even think about it. stay single for ever. it may be very good to have true love, but the price you
pay is inconcievable. you will hurt for the rest of your life. i had my first with a girl when i was 14, we did everything together and did it everywhere. on mountaintops over looking beatufull sun sets, under the board walk at seaside hights, in the ocean by tropical island , i remember us walking along the beach and i lifted two large stones on a bolder onto a bolder and said to vickie lets come back in ten years and see if they are still together. we broke up after 5 years. it’s now about 10yrs later
You are not alone, Jodi. I’m 27, almost 28, and I’ve never had anyone tell me that they love me. Unlike you, I never even had a father that loved me. Like you, I’ve had male friends that tell me that they love me, and tell me how awesome I am, and how I deserve to have love, as long as they are not the ones to have to hold me next to a candle and tell me that they are “in” love with me. And I’ve just about given up and just about accepted that this is how my life will be, but I hold on to a small smidge of hope because I don’t want to be the stereotypical lonely, crazy old lady with the cats, that all of the neighborhood kids think is a witch. It’s gotten to the point now that I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have someone love me without stopping the thoughts and facing the reality that this may never happen. Thank you for your words and for once AGAIN letting me know that I’m not alone.
It’s been a while since I read your excellence. ANd the self-effacing honesty that seems to be your trademark.
It’s just the topic I have difficulty allowing: it is as if the words are more important thant the deed, the emotion. Commentaries seem to confirm that. Personally I’ve never counted, often times mayu not even have listened: but I always knew and am fortunate enough to still remember the women who did love me, whom I loved, not so much in return but as the only means of communicating with them. Forget the words, the silly phrases: are you sure no man ever loved you?