for lunch today i entered the fifth circle of hell, not to be confused with Hell, Inc. my place of employment, rather a wholly different kind of hell. the hell formerly known as the mall.

i had one more gift to get, though i thought i was done, i was wrong. so i ventured to the mall with sister #2, jaycie, and max. when i wasn’t gawking at the woman with the bad red dye-job in the velour sweat suit as she grabbed her husband’s hand to pray over their food court chinese, i was bugging my eyes out at the fakely tanned teenager in the green sweat pants, rolled down to expose her perfectly flat, bronzed belly and hip bones. then of course, there was max to keep me entertained.

apparently being six is a lot harder than i remember. because max sure as hell had a rough day. when sister #2 wouldn’t let him have his fruit roll-up because he was too full to eat all his lunch he went into melt-down mode.

“you don’t love me!” he cried.
“i love you with all my heart,” sister #2 said.
“then give me my fruit roll-up,” he said.
“eat all your lunch then you can have it,” she said.
“you don’t love me,” he said. “you should just put me up for adoption.”
“did he just ask you to put him up for adoption?” i asked sister #2.
“oh yeah,” she said. “they know all about child welfare and that kind of stuff.” i don’t know why i’m surprised, she’s very nearly a social worker now (she graduates in may).
“i wouldn’t put you up for adoption,” she said. “i’d put you into foster care because that system’s all screwed up.”

this seemed to quiet him for a bit. after lunch max decided that he, jayice and i would go to the bookstore while sister #2 went to old navy.

there i got to hear him name all the stuffed animals that accompany books these days “look! it’s osbert the penguin! look, it’s the gingerbread man! look it’s the monster from where the wild things are! look, it’s a pop-up book of zoo animals! look there’s a stegasaurus.”

then jaycie had to show me all the chapter books that she really, really, really really, really, really wants for christmas.

of course, eventually we had to leave the mall. but not after max spied a stuffed penguin that waddled backwards and flapped its wings. it was love at first site and he was none too pleased to be seperated from his one true love.

“i’m not leaving,” he said, as we walked toward the escalator.
“well, we’re going,” i said.
“i’m staying here. i hope someone steals me,” he said, folding his arms.
“well, i hope the new family has as good presents for you as we do,” i said.
“they will,” he assured me.
“ok,” i said. “i just hope they planned ahead. because it’s probably too late to get you anything good now.”

after a moment of pondering he decided to stick with our family.

then we entered the 4th, and possibly coldest ring of hell, the mall parking lot.