you know that something that’s gonna happen soon? well i wish it would fucking happen already because i’m bored. i know, i know. emotional upheaval on friday, boredom by tuesday. it’s the life of a person with ADD.

you know i’m sitting here with not a whole lot to do and i just keep sort of wandering into the rooms of my mind wondering what i could write about.

but you know what? there’s beginning to get to be more that i CANNOT write about, than that which i can. that makes me a little bit sad. maybe i’m growing up? maybe i’m too worried about hurting the people i care about. perhaps just maybe i’m not being honest anymore. that last one, that’s the one that makes my stomach turn. if nothing else i always wanted to be honest above all else. if i can’t be smart/pretty/sexxy/rich– i wanted to be honest.

it’s weird because it’s not that i feel i’m being dishonest to myself. i know what in the hell is going on, even if i can’t seem to verbalize it to anyone. what’s odd is that i feel like i’m lying by not putting it all out here. like i’m hiding something, ashamed of what i’ve done, afraid of the consequences of telling you why things are so fucking insane at the moment and why my body is filled with electricity and how the cosmic somethingness is going to happen keeps me up at night with the potential of that somethingness.

so, to deal with most of this and a little of that, i find myself turning more and more to my paper journals. it’s just so odd, like i’ve taken a giant leap back. but maybe, it’s really a giant leap forward.

what i have learned is since i’m keeping so much of this inside, that i virtually vomit on anyone who asks me any sort of question about that which is on my mind. i’m weird like that.

addendum:
chicken little just stopped by to ask me what the fuck was up. that i’ve been unsually quiet which means either a. i’m mad, b. i’m hurt, or c. i’m up to something.

i told him i’m up to no good and plotting to take over the world. then he asked me about writing and i had to go on and on about the new story i’m working on and my inability to show off stuff i’ve written and then i went on about sweet rob’s class and how i’m totally looking for someone new to crush on.

then he got scared and left.