sometimes it all just gets to be too much. there was toomuch life bouncing around so i crawled into a cave and got lost in a life that was not mine.

i had sad dreams friday night. dreams that spilled over onto the saturday and washed everything with a faded violet. i tried to run away to the flourescent lights of stores and it didn’t work. i tried to run away to sister #3’s where the peanut and i played with canned goods and it held off, until returned home to my messy apartment. then the sadness overtook me again.

i did stupid things that made me hurt more, then instead of getting lost in the deep dark well of self-pity i called someone. and i told him that i was lonely and sad today. and he said, “jodi, you shouldn’t be lonely, you’ve got me.” and i could have wept. i could have denied my having of him. i could have moaned about how even so i’m still alone. but i didn’t. i didn’t do any of that. i just said, “i know, that’s why i called.” it was exactly what i wanted to hear and i didn’t even have to ask for it.

and so today, i continue reading the book, What I Loved by Siri Hustvedt. i am enamoured with the book. i can’t put it down. i fell asleep with the book on my pillow, and picked up when i opened my eyes this morning. i am in love with Bill, the lusty-eyed, tall dark haired artist of the book.

but the book is sad, good people die, good people are alone and lonely. the book makes me angry too, because often it’s a bit too predictable. i can see between the lines what’s going to happen pages before it happens. i don’t like such obvious set-up. perhaps that’s why i liked flannery o’conner’s “A Good Man is Hard to Find” so much, because stuff happens in an instant, and there’s no need for a prolonged set up. prolonged set-ups make me angry.

and this, it all feels so good. this odd melancholy and fuzziness. i feel like i’m not connected to the earth today. i’m spinning on my own axis. i am lost in the other world, and i don’t know when i’ll come back.