August 4, 1990 (i’m gonna stop with the italics, it’s sorta driving me batty)
Dad can be such a jerk. He’s done nothing but bitch at me since I walked in the restaurant. He got mad because I was using the stove nad he needed it for the steam table stuff. He told me to get the fuck out, so I did. I just left. Now I’m afraid to go back he’s going to be furious. I suppose I probably overreacted. But, he scares me so much when he acts up like that. i’m always he’s going to turn around and just WHACK me right in the face. I told mom to tell Terri, if she called, not even bother coming up. I wonder if she did. I kind of hope not. I swear dad always messes things up. He scares me so much. I want to leave, just go and never come back.
August 29, 1990
Well, I’m not going to school. Mom forgot to send in the $100 that would have reserved my spot in the freshman class. I was quite upset. She didn’t want to tell me because she thought I would be pissed. No Kidding!
September 7, 1990
Jenni is getting married tomorrow. Married. That simple act seems to put at least 10 years on her age. It’s like Roberta, she’s only a year older than me and she’s married and has a house! I feel so immature sometimes. It’s weird. I remember how when me and Jen were younger we planned on getting an apartment together after high school and we would have tons of boyfriends. Things never do turn out the way you plan or even want them to. When we first walked past the Niemi house who ever though that Jenni would marry Dale and have his child?
I grew up with Jenni. When you’re little you don’t think that you’ll ever grow up and apart and now my best friends in the world are people I met two years ago and I’ve know Jenni since I was five and we’re like total strangers. She knows a lot about my past but not a fig abou tthe present or the future. I guess maybe that’s the way things go. It’s so depressing. I always wonder how my life may have turned out if Dale had never entered the picture. Would me and Jenni still be best friends? What about Nikki, Jodi, or Rob? Would they mean as much to me as they do know? May it’s for the better? Or is it? 3 or 4 friends for the price of one? Sounds like a bluelight special. In my more optimistic moods I think Jenni got the raw end of the deal. She lost me and her teenage years. But, she always said she wanted to settle down early. Maybe I’m just meant for more than marriage and children. Sometimes I want everything. I want it all. And other times I am so unsure of myself and my future. Everyon things I am destined for success. What if I’m not? What if I can’t? Maybe it’s not destined. Can wanting something bad enough make it happen? No, I doubt it. I wanted some things so bad it feels as though I could never want anything different. But I suppose I am basically happy.
today
it’s very weird to read that September 7th entry. Creepy really, because it sounds so very much like me today. Like i haven’t changed a lick in 13 years, or maybe i knew who i was way back then. i don’t know. But i can really hear my 31-year-old voice echoing about in that entry.