Dear Darling Ones,

I am a liar. A lying liar with pants of fire.

You know I’ve been saying, “if this is as recovered as I get, that’s not too shabby” or “I’m coming to terms with this being as recovered as a get?”

Nope.

This is trash and I’m quite cranky about it.

My neurologist’s office was like that tiny apartment Bert & Ernie share on Sesame Street. She was Ernie. I was Bert.

Dr. S was super pumped about my homework. While she was still waiting for some genetic testing, all my heart stuff was good as was the neuro intervention. She gave me an A++ in Sleeping and Stroke Recovery. She reiterated that I was doing everything right.

She was even delighted that I had invested in some wheeled stools so I could scoot around my place and do more of the “activities of daily living” on my own. She really liked that I’m adapting so well to my situation.

And it’s a good fucking thing because she also told me that this may be as recovered as I get.

That’s right, my head might always feel wooshy. My brain may always think I’m falling when I stand for more than 90 seconds. My Floppy Scoop: forever heavy and trembly and floppy.

She reiterated that I’m doing everything I can possibly do and I should keep at it. She explained how the nervous system is slow to heal and most people plateau about one year post-stroke.

I need a new word for disappointed in order to explain how I’m handling the news. I want to simultaneously cry and spit fire while shaking my fist at the heavens.

Sure, it’s good to hear I’ve done all the things right, that I’m not just a fat, lazy lump who didn’t want it enough.

At the same time it fucking sucks to do all the things right, to try your absolute best, to follow all the rules, want something more than you ever wanted something before, and still fail.

I knew it was always a possibility and the further away from March 6, 2023 a probability, but still. . .

But still. . .

Bummer.

Now, I keep on keeping on. She said I really need to focus on being careful and not falling, since I’m still a fall risk. I see her again in January and my only homework is a cardio-vascular surgery consult.

Personally, I need to focus on both my ableism and internalized anti-fatness, more on that later. So much (unpaid) work to do I really need to get on the dole!

Disappointed, but diligently yours,
Jodi