I finished watching the “Meet the Press” tribute to Tim Russert 10 minutes ago and I’m still crying. They ended the show talking about how Russert felt about his father and being a father and how it was so eerily appropriate that they would be memorializing him on this Father’s Day (and though this is not another post about the death of Tim Russert, can I just say you’d have to be a hard, cold robot not to lose your shit when Tom Brokaw starts crying?).

To say that I have father-issues is an understatement the proportions of which cannot be measured. From my complicated relationship with my dad, to my feelings of abandonment regarding the biological father I never met, to my odd penchant for dating much-older-than-me men who are extremely tall in a pathetic hope to find the fatherly love I feel I never had, I could put the children of many therapists through college.

My issues are hardly unique or all that tragic. I’m a firm believer in the fact that we all have daddy issues, and mommy issues too. It’s like our human right being raised by imperfect human beings to have problems. It’s the plague of the human condition.

However, this Father’s Day has left me a little conflicted. My dad and I have a distant, impersonal relationship at best. We did really good for awhile there when we were working at the bowling alley, but since then it’s kind of dropped by the wayside. But then so has my relationship with my mom. My parents are really good at being needed, being there in times of crisis, and lending a hand. They aren’t so good at just being. Since I don’t often need, I don’t see them all that often.

This year, I am angry with my dad on this Father’s Day. It’s regarding a complicated history of familial psychosis that I won’t dredge up here. However, what you do need to know is that since October my dad has cut Sister #2 and her family out his life. While he thinks this only effects Sister #2, it has hurt us all. It kills me that he can so willing just dismiss his own daughter and grandchildren. It also frightens me, because, well, effectively I’m one misstep from banishment too. Right?

Pleas for him to reconsider not only fall on deaf ears but just strengthen his resolve. So, we say nothing. No, I say nothing. My sisters joke about it, my mom is exasperated by it, and I am silent.

Again, this is a situation where I cannot fix the relationships between people I care about. It bothers me, but what can I do? I can (and did) call my dad on this Father’s Day and tell him I love him and keep silent.