One of the problems with taking classes at The Loft is that it’s located in the Open Book building which is about three eyelashes away from the Metrodome where the Twins play (that’s baseball for people who really don’t care about such things). Whenever there’s a home game, parking tends to get quite nightmarish around that area of town. It generally stinks. It stinks so much that I was once 45 minutes late to a first class and proclaimed out loud to a roomful of strangers that I, personally, could not wait until the damn Twins lost so I could park without worry. They booed me.

Another problem with the Open Book’s proximity to the Dome is weird Twins fans who have no problem whatsoever with taking advantage of an innocent truck parked innocently in the Open Book parking lot while its innocent owner is innocently drinking a few beers with her not-so-innocent friends.

So after the usual post-Loft Grumpfest on Wednesday, Mel, Damon and I ambled back to our respective vehicles. Mel, who is much smarter than I am, did not park in the Open Book lot, and trudged onward to her car. Damon and I were parked next to each other and proceeded to chit chat about something or other that has been stricken from my memory due to the unfortunate incident that occurred post chit-chatting.

While we were chatting, I noticed a garbage bag-sized bag of popcorn on the ground near Ruby. I took note of the oddness, and continued chitting and chatting with Damon. But, the time to end the night had come, and as I approached Ruby, Vodo came from behind the building that’s next to the Open Book. He was parked on the other side of Ruby.

I took a step toward the door, and that’s when I saw it.

TEN GALLONS OF BUTTERED POPCORN! Yes, some maniac had dumped 10 gallons of buttered popcorn into the back of poor Ruby.

“OH MY GOD!” I said loudly enough to draw the attention of the gentlemen in my company.
“What?” Damon rushed up to me. Vodo approached from the passenger side and looked into Ruby’s bed.
“Is that yours?” Vodo asked.
“No, I don’t usually carry ten gallons of popcorn in the back of my truck.”

Vodo, of course, started to laugh.

“Who would do this?” I asked, gingerly pulling a large empty can of what was, I believe, artificial butter topping from the heap of popcorn. The avalanche of popcorn that displaced the now-removed can uncovered more various and sundry debris– garbage bags, empty plastic beer bottles, a nacho cheese can, random cardboard pieces.

“What am I gonna do?” I asked, throwing the bigger piece of debris into the parking lot.
“You have to take the highway home,” Damon said. “It’ll just blow out.”
“I can’t do that.” I said. Because even though I only had two beers, I didn’t think it would be wise to focus the attention of the cops on me and the popcorn flying out the back of my truck. “This is disgusting.”
“It’s kind of funny,” Vodo said.
“It’d been funny if it happened to you.” I dipped into Ruby’s bed and tossed a handful of popcorn at Vodo.
“Look, snow in August.” He tossed popcorn towards Damon and I.
“Is that yours?” Damon asked pointing to the broom in the back of the Ruby. The broom that, despite Darling Jason’s assertion, is not for me to use when I get stuck in traffic, is kept there for snow removal purposes.
“Yes, that’s mine.”
“Just sweep it out,” Damon said.
“And leave it on the ground?”
“Yes.”
“You want me to sweep it out for you?” Vodo asked.
“Yeah,” I said, putting down the gate.

Up he hopped into Ruby, grabbing the broom and sweeping the TEN GALLONS OF POPCORN into the Open Book’s parking lot.

“Now, get in and drive away and never look back,” he said, jumping down from the bed of the truck. “Shit, I can’t even shut the thing, there’s too much popcorn stuck in there.” Somehow he managed to get the gate back up and tossed the broom inside while I unlocked Ruby.

“GO!” he said. I gunned it. And I laughed all the way home, even though I still think it’d have been funnier if someone else’s truck had been violated.