i went to visit grammu last night. i had to. i had been avoiding the hospital for over a week, claiming i was busy, when really i was chicken.

i went by myself, hoping to have a little alone time with grammu, but when i got there i was greeted by my uncle george, aunt jan and some woman wearing a yellow shirt and a mullet.

george and jan sat in the family lounge adjacent to grammu’s room. the mullet stood next to grammu’s bed and bent over her saying stuff i couldn’t hear.

“this is my granddaughter jodi,” my grammu said to the mullet.
“hi jodi,” the mullet said shaking my hand, “i’m margie.”
“hi margie,” i said. “i’m diane’s oldest.”

the mullet went on ignoring me, and talking to grammu. i couldn’t hear everything she said, but it was obvious she was getting emotional. my eyes widened in horror. i want to scream at the mullet not to start crying. that she couldn’t start crying, because if she started i would and then i wouldn’t be able to stop and grammu didn’t need me crying all over her ass.

eventually the mullet left and i was alone with grammu.

it was wretched. i painted on my biggest smile, hoping she wouldn’t notice it was all a facade.

“sheesh grammu,” i said surveying the windowsill loaded with goodies. “i think i’m gonna move in. you’ve got more food here than i do at home.”
“jodi,” she said, “you can have anything you want.”
“i don’t want any of it,” i said.

at this point i had to turn and look at her. it’s her eyes that bother me the most. she looks absolutely terrfied all the time. it’s like she knows what’s coming and it’s not good. it breaks my heart to see her looking so scared– and there’s not a damn damn thing i can do to comfort her.

she asked me where i’d been (work) and how i’ve been (fine), then she told me that she was so tired she needed to close her eyes. i said goodbye, and she asked me to come again soon. i told her i’d come over the weekend.

then i walked out, sat in ruby and cried.