i chickened out. i didn’t ask the TTHM if he wanted to go see lucinda williams with me. i think it would have freaked him out.

“it’s not your job to make me happy,” he said.
“i know,” i said.

he doesn’t get it. i don’t do things to make him happy, i’m not that altruistic. i do them to make me happy. because if i make me happy, well then the people around me will be happier. i didn’t explain it. i didn’t feel like it.

i’m just too frustrated. i guess. i mean, i can cope with the fact that he doesn’t want me romantically. i really can. sometimes if i sit and think about it too long it makes that little wiggly place in my heart hurt. but i don’t sit and think about it too long, because i don’t want to hurt.

but i’m frustrated. because 1. i really dig him. and 2. well, i’ve decided he’s a statistical anomaly. there are hardly anyother men like him on earth and that just really pisses me off.

i’m really, is it too much to ask for? someone who is smart, tall, handsome, well-read, funny and challenging? i mean c’mon. there’s got to be what, 10 men like that in all of minnesota? 6 of them married to 5’4″ women, 3 of them gay and then 1 of them not interested in me and in love with someone else, right? is that how my luck is?

i really need to find someone who wants to hang out with me AND smooch on me, then hanging out with the TTHM wouldn’t be so god damn frustrating. because then i’d have someone else i could think about smooching on and not him, you know? because when he’s sitting there within arms reach and he gets that far off look in his eyes, and i only see about a 2/3 profile, well it’s everything i can do not to crawl into his lap, take his face in my hands and just smooch until my lips fall off.

so, you see, if i had someone who wanted to hang out with me AND smooch on me, then i could just concentrate on talking to the TTHM and laughing and having fun and being challenged, and not worry about the how much i want to smooch on him part.