For as long as I can remember I?ve bulldozed my way though life. It?s what I do and thus far, it?s seemed to work. It?s so very hard for me to sit idle while people decide the course of events. But now I?m a in a situation where I can?t just bulldoze and charm my way in. I?ve been frozen out and I don?t know what to do.

How do you mourn the loss of someone you never met?

He was a part of my everyday life for over a year. E-mail, phone calls, chatting?we talked everyday about everything. There wasn?t much that I didn?t tell him. He knows me better than I ever wanted to admit. But then things went suddenly and horribly wrong and I can?t quite figure out why.

The removal of him from my life so suddenly has left me with great gobs of spare time to think and ponder and let my imagination run away with me. Maybe I was too distant those last few weeks. Maybe I could have better explained just how busy and overwhelmed I was. Maybe he?s met another girl, maybe he?s forgotten, maybe he does just need some time to figure things out. Maybe he thought I was taking advantage of him, maybe I should have told him how deep my feelings run.

Now that I have finally figured out how deep those feelings are, I cannot tell him. I cannot share with him how much his silence and this distance hurts me. I cannot tell him how I ache just to hear his voice. How I miss the laugh in his voice and his teasing. I miss his support and the sound of his breathing.

And there is a part of me that?s just so damn angry I choke. Why is he doing this? Don?t I deserve an explanation? Have I really done something so heinous that I cannot even be dealt with anymore? It?s hard not to lash out in just a state of pure, unmitigated emotion. But I?m afraid. I?m afraid of making the wrong move. I tiptoe on glass.

Because, mostly I just miss him and I want him back. I want to work this all out. I?ve convinced myself it?s some giant misunderstanding. He?s worth it, that much I?ve figured out. But how long do I wait?