I am a fat girl.
It began right when I burst onto the scene, 29 years ago weighing in at over 9 pounds. My mom, to my horror, is quite fond of telling the story of how when she first laid eyes on me she said, “my god, she’s a moose.” it’s been downhill since then.
Being as I was the first child, my mom wrote diligently in my baby book. Chronicling my early years. How I talked long before I learned how to walk. My fascination with books, how my nickname was ‘fat butt’ and my extraordinary growth. Always, always the growth– both height and width.
From what I can gather my first diet began at the tender age of 4. I did ok for a while. But then my parents got lazy and reverted back to their four food groups, McDonalds, Burger King, Arby’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken. I continued to grow.
I’ve yo-yoed a lot. Losing and then gaining back more than I lost. I’ve starved myself, exercised diligently, I flirted with bulimia for about two days, but I am not a big fan of puking. I continued to grow.
Yes, I am a fat girl.
See? I know this. I’ve been acutely aware of it since I was a child. Made aware by the kids at school, made aware by people passing on the street or at the mall, made aware by my dad who graduated from calling me fat butt to making ‘jokes’ about having to make the doors in our house wider so I could fit through. “Fatty, fatty two by four, can’t fit through the kitchen door.” that was one of his favorites. My sisters chiming in, not really knowing how badly they were hurting me.
I am a fat girl.
I know this. Yet people tell me all the time. The names, the looks, points, bald-faced stares. . . stating the obvious perhaps? Fat girls, the last bastion of people who it’s still politically correct to heap stereotypes and epithets on. To make jokes about and publicly ridicule– not even in hushed tones. You needn’t use hushed tones when telling a fat joke, as you do when telling a joke about people of color or a different religion. Yes, the fat girls. It’s not the same for fat men, who can walk around proudly without shirts, rubbing their bellies. At least I don’t think it’s the same, I am not sure. I’ve never been a fat boy.
Heap your scorn and ridicule on me, I can take it. I am a fat girl. You can’t say anything to me I haven’t already thought about myself at least a million times. Your utter distaste at the mere sight of me is nothing compared to the self-loathing and hatred I have for myself. You cannot hurt me nearly as effectively as I hurt myself. Earlier this week someone wrote to me in an e-mail, “It’s not very easy to insult you, is it?” I replied, “You can’t come up with something I haven’t already thought of.”
I am a fat girl.
Self-esteem doesn’t live here; there is no sense of self-worth. There are many glimmers of hope, knowledge that deep down inside, behind the emotional baggage and under the layers of fat, there is someone worth loving, knowing and befriending. But that small portion of sparkling wonderfulness gets buried a bit deeper everyday. It goes deeper with each ‘why bother’ glance of people at the gym. Deeper still with the strange looks from waiters when you order a salad and a diet coke. And even deeper still when you realize that nothing matters except how you look.
I am a fat girl.
I hate myself most days. That’s not true. Generally I like myself. I am a good person, smart, funny, creative and talented. You have to be something when you are a fat girl. You have to be quick and funny. You have to smile and be nice. You have to enjoy self-deferential humor. You have to strike yourself first, before someone else does. You have to laugh loud, and long and hard. Nobody likes a bitter fat girl. I don’t hurt people with my words. But I hate myself; I hate the vessel, this body, this facade that is me. I hate that I am locked in a body too big for society’s taste. I hate that I am weak and afraid to change it. Hate is a strong word. Hating is a passionate affair and it is with passion that I dislike myself. I am my biggest fan and my very worst enemy.
I am a fat girl.
Don’t pity me. I’ve let men use and abuse me. I’ve done morally questionable things all for the sake of love. That’s all you want as a fat girl. Someone to love you, accept you. Because if just one person would see you as worthy of love, would accept you unconditionally, then you could find the motivation to haul your ass out of bed and walk, run, exercise. So don’t pity me, I know it’s my fault. I know it’s my weakness, my laziness that keeps me locked in this body of a fat girl.
I know all this, fat girls are smart.
I am a fat girl and I am so very, very tired.
I read this before, and I even think it was what lead me to find your blog (and you). I still think it is one of your best pieces (maybe the best). You are not alone.
a m a z i n g. i’m without words – any of them would sound so pathetic to me right now. uh… *think, think think!* thanks… i guess?
oh jesus. yeah, thank you.
love
monica
this is wonderful, you have quite a gift with words!
I too remember this from a while back. I remember the same sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach; The yawning gulf of pain overwhelming me; The sense of urgency to alleviate your pain, to show you that anyone with such an obvious gift of words and the ability to piece them together so precisely is not only deserving of love, but owed it.
I still feel that way, but now it’s tempered with knowlege; I’m not a casual surfer anymore; I’ve been reading your blog(s), seeing everything you’ve had the courage to show us, and learning about Jodi Chromey. And I know now that you aren’t lamenting about your situation as much as you are wrapping it around you and relishing in it. It’s a security blanket of pain, but it’s a well known and comfortable pain. You’ve dealt with it already. he problem is that when love finally comes to you, will you be eager to leave yourself vulnerable? When the One comes into your life, will you embrace him completely, or force him to traverse this complex maze of neurosis and past mistreatment?
Change needs to come from within, Jodi. No external force can remake you, no matter how badly you may need it.
I could have written this myself. It’s hard being a fat girl in a world that doesn’t want you or think you are worthy of its air or space. You put down every emotion that I feel when I watch t.v., go shopping, or sit alone and think about why I am alone. It gets hard being the “nice girl”, or the “cool friend”. It hurts when guy friends tell you how sweet and wonderful you are, and say they hope someone else in the world realizes how great you are the way they do, or tell you that you deserve to have someone love you. Of course, that holds true only if they don’t have to be the one that loves you. They try to give you words of comfort against the hateful feelings of the rest of the world, but you see that they are the rest of the world. They just don’t want to admit it to themselves. Thank you for your writing, Jodi. I don’t feel so alone right now.
It takes only one person to start a chain. I’m FAT and yes I love every inch of my Big body In so many words I am a living work of art every curve of my 300+lb body says beauty at its best. It took me a long time to get here but hey I’am 22 and I’m here it is aup hill battle with the mind and sprit but hey just keep in mind that I love you and I belive that you are the greatest gift my eyes have the joy to behold. love that body girls love every “so called abnormalties” because that is you. So be kind and don’t let any change your out look on your self. Much love to this site.
Love and respect StarmoonGina
It takes only one person to start a chain. I’m FAT and yes I love every inch of my Big body In so many words I am a living work of art every curve of my 300+lb body says beauty at its best. It took me a long time to get here but hey I’am 22 and I’m here it is aup hill battle with the mind and sprit but hey just keep in mind that I love you and I belive that you are the greatest gift my eyes have the joy to behold. love that body girls love every “so called abnormalties” because that is you. So be kind and don’t let any change your out look on your self. Much love to this site.
Love and respect StarmoonGina
i totally relate—but when you are finally thin, i hope you don’t feel like me….finally lost the weight–why don’t i feel good?
I’m proud of all of you big women! oh, and terri, you may not feel good because the weight is only on the outside, yur probably sad about something on the inside.
No CommenT
.. it was eery, reading that. Because I could’ve written it. It felt like you were in my brain – better, my heart – and writing what you saw there. I cried. I smiled, a little. Thank you.
This is the only thing I have seen on this site. It was eery, seeing what I have been thinking for years, in writing. All of us fat girls are so much alike in many ways yet we never really know it. Thanks for allowing us to feel your pain and allowing us to feel our own. That is the only way to get past it.
Fat girls are smart are looking for that one person to love them and do truly want to change. Its hard thou…Im young and im trying now just for the damn prom. its sad how media and peers can hurt you with out words, nothing but looks…there own skinny people looks.
it was like i was reading my own journal! this year i learned not to be ashamed of myself and to love myself, i was so ashamed about my size (28) that i wouldnt even talk about it. i could’nt even say the word “fat”. now i feel like i’ve come out of the closet. i still struggle every day with myself, society, and the media, but i find strength with the help of my fat sisters.
i would love to talk with other smart, beautiful fat girls. email poppybright@hotmail.com
I wanted to see a picture of a 300lb. girl or that weights more because I find out that I like fat girl better than I do SKINNY girl.
Please hit me up soon
Thank you so much. I have often wondered whether speaking my mind, as you have here, would be worth it. The answer is yes.
It’s better to be fat than to be a bitch like your mother and a con like your father
I am.. buried..treasure..
This is beautiful work… amazing, I identified completely. There is nothing worse to me than the way i feel about myself when i look down and see my fat rippling and looking disgusting to myself. Im thinking of starting a diary on diaryland completely for the purpose of recording fat confessions 😉 I hope you are doing well and all who have written back as well.
Meg
This is beautiful work… amazing, I identified completely. There is nothing worse to me than the way i feel about myself when i look down and see my fat rippling and looking disgusting to myself. Im thinking of starting a diary on diaryland completely for the purpose of recording fat confessions 😉 I hope you are doing well and all who have written back as well.
Meg
wow……this is amazing….hits me where it hurts…thanks for providing further insight about my feelings…
God,it’s like you read my mind.Most of my friends are skinny little bastards that tell me I would be hotter if I dropped a few pounds.I would really like to hear from a guy that likes big girls.
Did you ever think the green goddess envy is what causes others to stare? You are tall and and not scrawny, is it possible others may feel intimidated by you? Is it possible that you radiate uniqueness and the more ordinary among us, which is most people, are a little threatened?
See, I learned a long time ago most people don’t dislike you for what your ARE but for what your NOT. Your not like most people, you know it and they know it. Now be proud of it and learn to appreciate yourself! And oh by the way, I’m not saying this ’cause I’m a “fatgirl” too. I’m a twig. I know a lot of “fat” women who do their “thing” and look great doing it and a WHOLE lot of men think so too.
Stop tearing yourself down!
Yes, this is an extraordinary piece, and stirrs up a lot of feelings for all of us. An I really do like what you said, Helena. It just seems that no matter how supportive people are, no matter how far they can see into you and judge your character rather than you body, they always have to differenciate themselves from the subject, like they might be mistaken for “fat” themselves, or they might catch it. I liked what you had to say, until you sounded panicked saying “no, no, not me though. definitly not me…but I still support you”. Your support is appreciated, but something in the tone still reminded me of the real reason people stare…fear of being like me.
I agree with your words Joyce. It’s all well and good for someone to be “supportive” as long as they’re not in our shoes. It’s easy for them to say be fat and do your thing, as long as they’re not the ones that have to do they’re thing in the “fat suit” that is looked upon as disgusting by a large majority of the world. They can’t relate unless you’ve been there. It’s easy to sympathize and have encouraging words for something they’ve never been through. A skinny girl can say “oh you’re so beautiful despite your size”, but let that same skinny girl gain 2 pounds; she’s freaking out because her size 3 jeans no longer fit and she has to wear a size 4.
They don’t know.
yeah, thx. But it’s not just that. I have thin little friends who are as true as they come. They do not know what it is like, but they have an amazing intuition because of thier own problems/disabilities/insecurities. But it’s when people are supporting you to your face and backing up quickly with thier feet…cause they don’t want to be seen with you
I am totally down with Joyce on everything. p.s. The Y! Body, Mind, Soul.
Hi — I am a reporter for a magazine who is inspired and moved by the experience of larger women. I would like to correspond with young (21-35) women for possible inclusion in a story. This is a legitimate request. — Amy
I am so totally fucking flabbergasted right now. There are few words majestic or magnificent enough to describe the complete and utter gift, talent, ability and skill that seeps from your heart, mind and soul when you write. “Fat Girl” isn’t just an essay or journal entry. “Fat Girl” is the most brilliantly heartwrenching work of modern poetry I have ever read, and I can’t stand modern poetry. In my opinion, most modern poetry is pretentious, wannabe avante-garde crap; what you’ve written is worthy of the God damn Pulitzer Prize, and I am not fucking kidding. My heart weeps for your self-worth. Surely, there are angels missing in action for someone with so much art and beauty within her to feel so badly about herself. Damn God to hell for the son of a bitch he is if a person as amazingly sensitive as you can’t find love and self-worth in this life. If you don’t make a living as a writer, there’s something rotten in Denmark.
this is so great like u took all my thoughts about my head and typed it up i feel worthless and unworthy of happiness
fat girls of the world unite
I love the way you express yourself. Your words are so meaningfull. I am also a fat girl and i know exactly what you are going through. I went to google and typed in “sad fat girl” when i clicked on your URL, i was touched.
There is such a bitter truth to those words.. so difficult to read but so easy to understand. I too, am a curvy goddess, (I despise the word “fat”) and am compelled, on many of my days, to hate myself because of it. Because people tortured me in high school, because I can’t be smaller than a size 16, because I haven’t found a man who ever wanted to sleep with me. But yet, I think it is worthless to wish myself different, or to try to convice other minds to see me in another light. All that matters is how I see myself. And, honestly, I don’t feel fat. I am very active, I was a dancer in high school, a cheerleader in junior high, I eat right (most of the time) and I get enough exercise, and GUESS WHAT? My body didn’t change.. maybe my body can’t change.. maybe no one’s can.. but I am not going to condemn myself to a life of wishing for something that I can’t have and I don’t want to have. Your site is amazing!!
I’VE always Loved larger woman, truly they are the sexiest, prettiest, most satisfying woman. I love to hold a plump woman in my arms and gently squeeze and caress that heavenly softness. I am a big strong healthy man, not too bad to look at and I would chose a star jones or Roseanne over any woman any day. Just thinking about a pretty plump girl turns me right on. I want to say to the lovely full sized ladies to be strong and be confident for you are loved and there are a lot of men who love full bodies woman, though I actually wish there wasn’t becasue I would gladly worship the ground they walk onall by myself. That idiot in the previous message probably dosen’t have a woman at all while he’s fantisizing about janet jackson. Waje up fool! you are missing out on the best woman.
GO ON A DIET! stop being sad! use insults as determination!
Isn’t it really a matter of being healthy? Concentrate on that instead of the way you look.
oh, the eternal recursive helplessness of a mind recruited to attack itself. Darker than dark darkness. Stupefying levels of negative self-talk. This skinny, anything-but-alpha male registers your pain as his own .Add terminal brain cancer to the mix and you have the master Horror of endgame sequences: Slowly losing your single source of self esteem, your intelligence, dying alone feeling unloved and unloveable…
Wow, amazing.
I especially relate to the making-fun-of-yourself-before-someone-else-can. …. hit it right on the nose.
Wow. I mean, wow. I feel you on this.
Wow.
Thanks
Thank you. Finally someone who understands how I feel and how deeply I hate myself and how much I just want to sleep.
I know the stigmatism that everyone aways say, I overweight and I hate myself. Well guess what, I am not over weight, I am under weight and the reaction is just the same. Everyone expects you to be a certain weight and body type and if you are not, then they cast judgement on you.
Thank you for taking the time to tell your story. Some day, I’ll tell mine too.
I am six foot three inches and weigh under 150 lbs.
Again my faith in your future as an eminent author is confirmed. Even as it brought up the bile of guilt, as I looked around me, back here on the ladden streets of NYC.
For all of those who say you “hate yourself” etc. etc., I feel u. There are days that I feel that way but overall I love myself and damn the world if they don’t because of what they see on the outside. I’m not out to fit into anyone’s stereotypes . . .or anything else. . lol. j/k but seriously, when you get out there, and start dressing and acting like you love yourself, it’s a front at first, but then it becomes real bona fide confidence . . .and then you find a man who loves you for who you are, no matter what others think, because it’s obvious you love yourself, and it makes it all worthwhile.
Amazing. That was a very powerful piece you wrote. I have never really been over weight, but I can still relate to what you are saying. Thank you for sharing!
Girl I know what you mean….
Some guys call me fat but alot don’t I used to get picked on but I just lost weigh not dietin tho and got boobs ha.. I look like I weigh about 160pounds every body says everybody says I got a pretty face but I hate my body but I get very nervous when I am gonna meet a guy..why can guys be so cruel sometimes?when u can be so pretty in the face
Wow i was so shoked to know that someone felt the exact way i do. i am probably not as old as most of you i am 13 which might things even harder for me to say becuase i am young and can’t exept myself yeat. every week is a different feeling, neither i am so happy to be me or i feel like the hugest dork on the planet and that i am fat and will never have anything normal and all i’ll ever be seen as is the fat girl. I don’t know if i have what it takes to lose the weight iam so scared. What if i do lose the weight and i find out it wasn’t even the weight? Maybe it was just that i ws ugly or had a bad personality. I don’t know but i thought this poem described my feelings so well it was erry.
Im a little fat .I hat myself sometimes.When i read this it made cry and think how much is true.All of my friends are skinny,and i eat least than them,and it hurts me to think that i could be like them if i just tried harder.Im also in love with my best friend who is a boy.I have been in love with for 3 years,Im afriad that if he knows he will laught and tell me that im to fat for him.But i know he loves me as a friend.I know how this girl feels and i want to tell her how much this poem meant to me.
Thank you for this essay. It really touched me. My best friend and I are both Fat Girls. I respect you for telling your story in a dignified fashion, rather than exploiting yourself on a “reality show” or “talk show.” I hope you succeed in your efforts to lose the fat or learn to love it. I appreciate J’s comments (09/18/2004), as well. Again, thanks.
I can only bring my self to say one thing: Thank You.
Food is my drug – always has been. I can leave the obsession for a while, but I always go back to overindulgence. I am like a drug abuser who can’t kick the habit. But how can you kick the habit of eating? Your body needs food to live. It’s like telling the alcoholic he/she can only have one drink. Like telling the chain smoker they can still smoke, but only one. I have been obsessed/wishing to be thin since I was about 9 or 10. I’m over 40 now. Will I ever feel comfortable in my body? Don’t know, can’t say. The only time I did was when I dieted excessively and worked out obsessively – I wasn’t much fun and didn’t do much either – I was always concerned with working off the latest meal or snack. It’s ridiculous. The good news is that there are people out there who are not as quick to judge as you may think. You must find that part of you that you know is lovable. You are already worthy because you are alive and you have chosen to reach out.
Winter, slumbering in the open air holds on it’s frosted lips a glimps of spring. So true is life, the coldest darkest hours show the light that follows. The frosted world awakens and begins a new, fertile and caressing with each flickering ray from the giant erupting nuclear ball, which is the sun.
In short your work is great… and to all big girls who feel alone, you need to find self worth, just because the world says be thin. It does not mean that is the way it should be. Every society has it’s different ideas on beauty… many old cultures worship idols of… Big Women… Love yourself and you will find one who loves you.
I am at my fattest right now and with every bite of food, i wish to disappear. It is ironic that the food only makes me bigger and I only appear more….so lonely the life of a fat woman. I hope your life turns out better than mine is….i wish you the best.
I too am a fat girl. Its about time someone took the time to put into words how every single fat girl in the world feels about herself. Now I wish every person that has done the glaring, staring, mocking, and joking could read this and know what their heartless actions have made you and every fat girl feel.
Its realy amazing to read this and relize just how much most of us fat girls out there can relate. Socity has been unkind to us big girls. We are hardly seen as people anymore. We are also extraordinraly hard on our selfs because all our lifes we have been told that we do not meet the standerd of what a beautifull woman today looks like, therefor we are convinced that we can never be exepted for who we are. We are smart, funny, kind, tough people. But somehow we cant see past what it is like to be fat. Be strong girls, this life is a struggle, even more so for us.
I pains me to read how you feel!
There is so much more to a person than there weight!
I know how people look at you,How people treat you!
I’ve heard the comments and remarks!
You see! I’m married to a fat girl!
AHHH!!! that’s such a ugly word!!!
I hate that word!!! (fat)
I’ve always been attracted to Ladys of size my whole life! But because of peer pressure from my friends I never would let myself pursue them! But after 2 failed marrages to skinny women who always left me feeling like something I wanted was missing! I decided To heck with my friends to heck with everyone!
I’m going to find me someone that I can be happy with!
I meet my Cindy at work!
She started working for the cleaning company that cleaned our front office,
One night I was working on the flag pole lights and had to go up front to turn them on, And there she was! the most beautiful woman I had ever seen! and yes she was a fat girl! To make a long story short we dated, Fell in love and married! it’s been over 8 years now and I couldn’t even begin to tell you how happy I am with our life together! I have never felt so much love from and for anyone in my life! not to mention the best sex I have ever experianced! Skinny girls just can’t hold a candel to ladys of size!!!
This is a fact that a lot of men need to find out!!!
And yes when we go out together I see the looks hear the snide remarks! Sometimes I’ll attack them with the Who the H##L do you think you are! But more times than not We just ignore them! Knowing that there just weak people who have to make themselves feel better by trying to make someone feel bad!
You just remember There is Love out there for you!
There are alot of men who love Big Beautiful Women!
Just look on line at all the BBW dating sites!!!
You just have to start looking in the right places! and find the men who say the heck with what everyone thinks! Just like when I was looking for my Cindy there is someone looking for you! I Just Know It!!!
Bless each and everyone of you! and don’t you ever ever think down of yourself! each and everyone of you are wonderful beautiful women and this world needs your LOVE!!!!
Bob
I came across this by accident but it has made me feel better knowing that Im not the only one to feel this way. This whole thing describes how I feel about myself and how I think others see me. Thank you.
I posted this comment before but im not sure if it made it or not. I found this by accident, but truer words have never been spoken. I could have wrote this its how I see myself and how i think others see me. Thank you for all that you have said here.
I MUST SAY I JUST STARTING WRITING A DIARY OF BEEN OVER WIGHT.AND I MUST SAY YOUR WRITING HAS TRULY TOUCH. ME IN SO MANY WAYS IT FELT LIKE YOU WERE TALKING TO ME.WALKING IN MY SHOES I WILL LOVE TO KEEP IN TOUCH.WITH YOU SEND A EMAIL TO ME .AND REMBER GOD LOVE AND YOU ARE TRULY AN ANGLE SEND.LOVE YA MUCH !
that was amazing I loved it you know most of the time bigger people are the most fun to be around on those are the people who make me smile and make me feel good about myself