last night while jessica and i sat in a booth at houlihans waiting for kari and michelle to arrive, i spotted a man sitting at a table and i couldn’t take my eyes off of him. this man looked so much like ben that i once adored that i was very nearly moved to go see if it might not be him. but upon closer scruitiny i discovered he was much older than ben and had an air of william h. macy about him that ben never had.

clearly this man infected by subconscious and lead me to have a dream. the kind of dream that sticks with you and haunts you throughout your day. the kind of dream that makes you eager to go to bed at night in hopes that you’ll have another dream just like it.

the dream started out in a lodge of some sort at a ski resort. i was snowboarding (ok, it’s a dream, i know) and went to the lodge to warm up. i was at the lodge bar– a big, wooded, fireplaced affair when i spotted ben that i once adored just sitting alone at a table. i was surprised and made a beeline to talk to him. he was overjoyed at running into me– i was overjoyed over running in to him. we talked about something i can’t remember, even though i do recall telling him i was there to do some snowboarding. i don’t know how the conversation changed but suddenly my head was in his lap and i was sobbing. i was telling him that i’m so lonely i think i might die. i was holding his hand and pouring my heart out to him. he was rubbing my head and telling me not to worry, that he was here and that i wasn’t going to be lonely anymore. he told me his room number and made me promise to meet him there after i was done snowboarding.

after my outdoor adventures, i went in search of ben who i once adored’s room. the first room i entered was wrong, and i walked in on someone just sleeping. i ran down some twisty flights of stairs and finally found ben’s room. wild, crazy sex ensued. he had a weird penis in the dream– uncircumcised with the penis’ head about half the size of the entire penis.

well, we had sex and layed about in each other’s arms and all that romance, until i had to go to work.

i went to work, allegedly at softwareland. bonnie (a real coworker) asked if i would have time to make 50 ham sandwiches for her before she went to some software show. i said of course i did and set about to making 50 ham sandwiches. as i was making the ham sandwiches, my friend ray called and he wanted me to help him with something. so i sat in front of a blueberry imac and helped ray while trying to make ham sandwiches at the same time. bonnie kept coming to check on me to make sure i’d have the sandwiches done.

i didn’t make the deadline and i couldn’t help ray. it wasn’t such a happy ending, and only proved to foreshadow a day where i let down the outlaw, sister #2, and some people at work.

now my heart is so heavy i can’t sit up straight .