i was just in bed, trying to go to sleep when i started crying. i made myself cry. i think there’s some weird compulsion to cry once you get your period. it’s like it doesn’t count if you don’t have some weird crying fit.
since i didn’t have anything to cry about, i had to make myself cry.
i was on the phone talking to a friend, laying on my bed. i was laying with my head hanging over one edge and my feet over the other. all the blood was rushing to my head. when i hung up the phone and adjusted myself so i was laying normal, all the blood rushed from my head making me feel a little light headed. that’s when i started crying.
because i remember doing that all the time as a little girl. laying just like that over my twin bed, pretending i was some beautiful princess who was just snatched from the jaws of an evil princess-eating dragon by the handsome prince. he was carrying me, near death, to his castle where he would nurse me back to health and we’d live happily ever after.
but that’s not what made me cry. what made me cry is that even when i was having that fantasy, i wasn’t such a little girl. by my calculations i had to be at least 5’6″ by the time i was 10. at least. because i know shortly after my 12th birthday i was 6′ tall. that gives me 2 inches a year. maybe i was shorter.
anyway what made me cry is that i was never a little girl. even when i was younger and had these delusions of being little i wasn’t. so i cried for the young girl who longed to be a princess that someone would carry. i won’t ever be carried. not ever. which is ok now. but the 10 year old in me is just a little bit sad that she’ll never get to be the rescued princess.
so i cried. then i decided that if i am ever lucky enough to have a daughter she will get to be little for a long, long time. because even if she’s 5’6″ at 10, i will still have nearly a foot on her. she will get to be little. and that makes me cry too, because i will get to give my daughter something i never had– the chance to be a little girl.