he has a girlfriend. while i suspected this for quite some time, i chose to ignore it. i like to think that he chose to ignore it too, the having of a girlfriend. i mean why else would he mess around with me when he has her waiting for him?

and it’s times like now where i’m sure that i will always be the second prize, the girl on the side, the almost, but not quite good enough girl. i’m furious that this revelation has made me feel like this. but mostly i’m furious for conning myself into think that he could actually want me. want me, the too fat, too tall, too neurotic girl from minnesota. why on earth would he want that? who on earth would want that?

i thought that if i were independent enough and full of my own life that he would see that and decide that i was worthy. i thought i was worthy, but i was wrong. i was only worthy of the occasional attention when he wasn’t getting it from his GF.

the worst of the worst? i knew all this. if i admit it to myself, i knew in my deepest heart that he was lying, or rather not telling me everything, and i chose to ignore that deepest heart because i wanted him so much. so much.