of course, i had to call sister #3. i had to talk to someone.

she listened. i cried just a little, more for my frustration than anything else. she chided me and told me this was a good thing.

“he still likes you,” she said.
“i know,” i said.
“this is so much better than tim.”
“i know.”
“you didn’t do anything wrong. he’s got unfinished business. it has nothing to do with you.”
“i know.”
“then why are you crying.”
“i dunno,” i said. “i feel like i’m supposed to.”
“you just have shitty luck. it has nothing to do with you. if you’d have met him first, things would be different. he still likes you.”
“i just wanted to be someone’s special one you know? when he said that he didn’t think he could live without her i wanted to die.”
“because you want him to not be able to live without you,” she asked.
“because i want someone to say that they can’t live without me.”
“you’re being stupid.”
“you’re not helping,” i said.
“i’m sorry.”
“i just keep thinking if i were cuter or thinner or something more than well. . .”
“STOP! you are cute, he found you attractive. there’s nothing wrong with you.”

and it went on like that for about 45 minutes.

but you should know, my heart is not broken. he didn’t break it. i didn’t break it. the heart, it is intact. i am, however, disappointed. just because this is something i wanted and i can’t have it. that’s disappointing.

but i get a good consolation prize, someone to hang out with who challenges me and makes me laugh. i wanted to use the bitter line about not needing friends, but well, i need some friends. and of course, because i’m silly and optimistic i still hold out hope that maybe, you know, someday.

and really, i’m making this all sound way more traumatic than it was. it wasn’t like that all. it was all very matter of fact and a bit uncomfortable. but it had to be done. i had to know. i suspected, but i needed to put my fears to rest. the TTHM was kind and honest and wonderful.

i was kind honest and wonderful too. i told him i still wanted to smooch on him and i’d feel way better if we could still hang out. and we will, this weekend.

i don’t want you to worry darling ones, it’s all good. i’m getting smarter and better at this.