what is it with the fall-like weather that turns up a few notches on the loneliness-o-meter?

maybe it’s the perfectly chilly, cuddly, eat soup on the couch and snuggle weather. or maybe i am dreading spending another winter alone. the terrible, long, dark winters depress the hell out of me.

maybe it’s sitting on the couch alone in my underpants crying in front of a computer with a cat trying to comfort me. see? i am already turning into one of those crazy old maids who give their cats human qualities and then tells people about the cute things the cats did.

maybe it’s watching sister #2 troop out to her car with the husband and kidlings in tow as i climb into my car, a solitary, allegedly independent career woman of the world. it’s all a facade really. at least on nights like this it feels like a facade.

maybe it’s the horror i felt as i was cutting through the parking lot of the strip-mall, after i had noticed the big, fat, orangey half-moon shouldering it’s way through the clouds. the horror coming when after i had realized that in talking to myself i had said to me, “why do i like me so much better with someone else around?” yes, i struck my inner-voice silent. then i chided myself soundly. telling me that i have to live me alone before anyone will ever want to be with me.

maybe it’s the desperate hopeful/lessness i felt when i fired up ol’ owen willing to settle for a cyberhug of some sort. thinking that perhaps, some sort of pixelated words would make me feel a little less pathetic.

maybe it’s just exhaustion. sleep and i haven’t been getting along again this past week. i think it’s just trying to settle into a routine again after the vacation. i cry when i am tired. i am tired. and it’s entirely annoying when i try to dismiss all these feelings i am having in order to not have people worry about me.

maybe it’s just normal to get lonely sometimes and there really is nothing wrong with sitting on the couch late on a saturday night crying and letting the words seep out of your fingers.

yes, maybe it’s just normal.