the weekend is over and another work week looms before me filled with stuff that needs to be done, but not really stuff i want to be doing.
i feel aimless, discontent, unsatisfied. it’s as though i’m wasting time. i had two whole days of no work to do and i did nothing. is this the plague of american-workaholicism? or am i just lazy? whenever i haven’t been productive, i feel as though i am wasting my life away. i should be out doing something. what that thing is, i haven’t a clue, and i really feel bad for not doing it. whatever it is.
i didn’t clean this weekend, i didn’t do laundry, i didn’t grocery shop or bake or write a letter. i did nap, read a book, write a story, masturbate, talk on the phone and go to a birthday party, and still i feel as though i should have done more.
sometimes i chastise myself and say i should be happy with what i’ve got, what i accomplish in the time i have. i tell myself that this yearning for more, some undefinable more is just a way to eisure that i’m never happy. always longing and never content with what i have, what is the problem?
whenever i get into these moods of longing and frustration, the if onlys come charging in. if only i were short then all the guys would dig me. if i only i were cute then he would love me. if only i were smarter then i’d have more friends. if only i didn’t live here then i’d have tons of stuff to do. if only i didn’t waste so much time then i’d be truly successful.
and i know, i know that if only i had all that stuff i think i need then i’d just find something else to long for. and maybe that’s just part of life, this constant state of longing for something else, just whatever it is we don’t have.
if only i didn’t beat myself up so much about the questions i can’t answer, then i’d sleep better at night.
Can I cut and paste this entry into my blog and just pretend I said it? Or I could just put the whole thing in italics and pretend I thought it. All I’d have to do is change a couple of gender references and I’d be on my way.
The “if only’s” are quite a common theme for everyone; If not in their conscious, it’s in their subconscious.
Even when you’re happy, blissfully happy in some cases, the “if only’s” creep up into your head and start playing their demented game. “If only you had completed a degree.”, “If only you had shed your introvert persona earlier.”, “If only you had actually had the nerve to pull the trigger all alone on that desolate country road that sultry July evening.”
I’ve said before that I wouldn’t change a thing in my life; I’m happy where I am. But just because I wouldn’t change a thing doesn;t mean I can’t obsess about how drasticly different my life, or the life of those I’ve interacted with, would be if I could; Even to the point of seeing how much better off people could have been had I not mucked up their lives. It’s about that time I get over myself, wipe the tears from my eyes and think about much more shallow indulgences.
Let me echo Thomas. It’s human nature.
The “if onlies” are related to the ” be happy when’s”.
Like, I’ll be happy when I get married.
I’ll be happy when I get that pHD.
I’ll be happy when I make X amount of income. etc. etc.
Comes a point when you have to decide that I’ll be happy now cause no one else is going to do it for me.
and don’t stop wishing to have it better. It also makes us human.
In the West the goal of life is to BE happy. In the east the goal of life is just to BE.
Something to ponder.