we’re still waiting for the MRI. allegedly that’s going to tell us about how big the tumors in her lungs and on her spine are. there’s talk of a biopsy of some sort. uncle wayne’s flying in from vegas tonight.

i saw her. all i could do was plaster on a big smile, which made grammu smile in return. i didn’t cry until she started talking to max. she talked about what good boy he was. how he comforted jaycie when she was crying. she said she wanted to go out and have a cigarette. she wanted to go to savage for dinner. she wanted to leave the hospital and never come back. she kept asking what day it was, what time it was. she doesn’t remember the ambulance ride from st. francis to methodist.

her eyes kept rolling back in her head. it’s hard to understand what she’s saying. she wanted my great aunt pearl to make her a nice dinner.

she asked where wayne and jackie (my uncle and aunt) were. we told her wayne was coming, she said they’d better hurry up. she keeps asking for all her grandchildren (the sister club and i were the only reps from the grandchildren contingent)– jason, katie, she wants to see them all.

i think she knows. but she says she’s not ready. she doesn’t want to die. my mom is talking about her in the past tense.

i’m not going up for the late shift. i can’t. i can’t sit in the hot family room forcing laughter and watching as the kidlings grow bored and restless. i just need some time to think and remember and prepare.

and of course, there’s work to do.