aak. i feel a little like i got run over by a bus. after the emotional turmoil of this morning the last thing i really needed to do was spend the night babysitting jaycie and max. but it was unavoidable. probably a good thing that i didn’t spend the night by myself rehashing my conversation with the former-outlaw.

i must admit i bawled my head off. i cried like my heart was breaking, mostly because it was. but i am so thankful that he called. it’s very much what i needed– even if he can’t explain what went wrong and why his feelings changed. now and i know for sure and that makes me better. i still wish he would have seen enough in me to want to work it out, but i guess if he doesn’t know what’s wrong you can’t really fix things.

blah.

i hope we can still be friends. i want to keep him in my life. i like him, he’s smart and fun and we have a lot in common. we’ll see how all that pans out. i’ve never been very good at the “just friends” things, but i really want to give this one a try.

it’s funny, because after talking with the former outlaw, i called sister #3, since i was chatting with her when he called. and while the phone call made me feel scads better, she was infuriated. she’s more crushed and upset byall this than me. bah, now i’m crying again. and not about him, about her reaction. it was just so immediate and passionate– i didn’t expect it at all. sometimes the love of a sister can be quite stunning and sweeping all at once.

i think she knows how hard it was for me to tell her any of it. from meeting him, to being involved and now the end. believe it or not, darling ones, i am a rather guarded and private person. so really opening up to her about all of this was a first for me.

i’m glad i did. i’m really glad that i don’t have to go this alone.