Well, Darling Ones,

The day I was anxiously anticipating has come & gone.

Yesterday was my Social Security disability hearing. Three years after my stroke, two(ish) years after applying, two rejections, and roughly 15 minutes of a hearing, the judge granted my claim for Social Security disability.

Ya girl is getting on the dole!

I’m relieved and overwhelmed. My friends and fam are over the moon for me. My mom even cried when Sister #4 told her. I love the way my friend Em responded, “Can I go back to just worrying about the dumb stuff you do instead of your basic survival?”

Permission was granted.

Today I am out of sorts. My head is extra wooshy, making me more discombobulated than usual. My theory is that my body has gotten so used to the stress and anxiety of imminent financial ruin that it doesn’t know what to do now that it has escaped danger.

Of course, being the half pessimist, I won’t fully believe the saga is truly over until there’s money in the bank. According to my lawyer that might as early as June. But there’s no guarantee. He apologized profusely for the delay and I felt bad for him. It’s not his fault the government moves slowly. Clearly he has dealt with a lot of angry clients in the past. I was just happy the judge gave us his decision on the phone, that was unexpected.

I was a little bummed the judge didn’t wanted to hear my soliloquy on the importance of punctuation in both HTML code and English writing. My ode to the period would have made grown men weep with its beauty.

My lawyer warned me the day before the hearing that nobody ever got in trouble for saying too little. HRMPH! I kept my answers short and to the point and did not go into what a tragedy it is lose the ability physically read books. While I love and give thanks to audiobooks, it’s not the same. You, the book in your hands, the words on paper, that cannot be duplicated.

Losing your longest-held, most-comforting ritual in your 50s sucks rocks. I deserve financial compensation. Beverly Cleary give me strength!

So now we cross our finger that I have enough money for the next few months and then we move on to figuring out what comes next when you’re not constantly worrying about money. This should be fun!

Not so dolefully yours,
Jodi

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Hello Darling Ones,

Today was the big meeting with my Social Security Disability lawyer. It was an appointment I’ve anticipated for ages. I’ve spent a lot time imagining how it would go and making a case for why I should qualify for disability.

Seriously, I wasted hours upon hours searching for the best way to describe the feeling inside my head, the distorted vision, and the right-side fuckery.

Good thing too, because the call lasted exactly six minutes and I probably said 100 words other than yes (seeing neurologist & retina specialist since June 2025) and no (to medication side effects).

He asked me why I was unable to work and I explained how the macular edema distorts my vision so that I lose letters and punctuation when reading.

“That’s important in your work,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said. “It is.”
“Well, we have what we need,” he said. “I’ll call and get you ready a few days before you hearing in April.”

That was it.

Six minutes.

I was prepared to talk about the distortion in great detail. I was going to explain how I used my giant TV as a computer monitor for a few weeks but the letters were just BIG & distorted and no easier to read. There was an entire soliloquy about sans-serif vs serif fonts and the difficulties each presented, an ode to the importance of quotation marks in HTML.

So now I’m even more curious what he’ll say in the hearing and how it will differ from the case I laid out in my disability application. Twice. It ought to be super compelling. Otherwise why would the government require most disability cases get to the hearing stage where you need representation? It wouldn’t possibly be so people lose hope and give up, right?

I love government bureaucracy.

Hoop jumpingly yours,
Jodi

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Holy Shit, Darling Ones,

I’m in a little bit of denial that 2025 is at its end. This whole holiday flew by in a flash. It went by so fast that I only took about four pictures the whole time. One of those pics were from our Christmas Dinner Saltine Taste Test. Premium won by a landslide, with the store-brand Hy-vee saltines a distant second. Zesta were a disgusting, weirdly plastic tasting third.

Even though there are still a few more hours left in the year, and I could be jinxing myself, I’m celebrating that I made it through 2025 with zero strokes and zero feels like a stroke situations.

If I had to sum it up, I’d say 2025 has been about coming to terms with being disabled. I’m not there yet, but I’m on my way. My goal for 2026 is to give everyone, including myself, more grace. Life is tough and petty judgements are easy. I need to get my inner critic to knock it off.

2026 is going to be about grace and creating.

I FINALLY got an appointment for my Social Security Disability hearing (April 20th) and if/when I get on the dole I want to spend my time making things. I told my family that come April 21 I’m gonna be a full-time artist.

“I love you think it will happen that fast,” Sister #2 said. Why does she always gotta kill my buzz?

I’m not entirely sure what this new artsy life will look like yet. For sure I gotta make four blankets (Gigi’s, State Fair, 2026 Temp, and Delilah’s). Plus, I have a vague idea of doing some sort of visual art/postcard thing for the songs I wake up with in my head. Oh, and I want to figure out how to make a book with the brown paper I’ve been saving all year. And writing more, of course.

My hope is with less financial anxiety I’ll have more brain capacity for other things.

What is your hope for 2026?

Love,
Jodi

The post So Long 2025 appeared first on I Will Dare.

Hiya Darling Ones,

There has been some very minor, minute, minuscule movement on the big issues in my life. If you have forgotten what those are, they’re The Dole and Non-Janky Wheelchair.

On The Dole front I got a sheaf of papers from Social Security asking me if I hired a representative (I did) and asking me how I’d like to conduct my hearing (via video call). Now, according to the lovely paralegal I work with, I wait a “few months” for Social Security to schedule my hearing. I will get a letter in the mail with that information 75 days before my hearing.

Progress?

On the Non-Janky Wheelchair front I had my appointment at the Seating Clinic. Surely you remember that. . . it was the appointment I scheduled in July for October 30th.

That was a bit of a doozy because I got have the argument with my mom in front of the nice physical therapist. My family, as represented by my mom in that room, is adamant I get an electric wheelchair. They do not think I’m capable of propelling myself in a manual wheelchair and they don’t want to push my ass around.

I, the person who will have to use the wheelchair, am adamant I get a wheelchair that will fit my 6’5″ frame and also fit inside a car. The whole point of the wheelchair is so that I can go places that are not the doctor’s office.

My fam had visions of either strapping the many-thousands of dollars wheelchair to the back of my mom’s RAV-4 on a sort of bike rack, or getting a trailer hitch. To them subjecting an electric wheelchair to the elements of the Minnesota roads was reasonable. Also, they never imagined I might want to go some where without them.

The Tea Ladies and I are just waiting for me to get a decent wheelchair so we can all meet up for lunch. They’re even willing to come and get me!

Part of my argument is that while I might not be very good at the wheelchair right now I’ll get better with practice. I used the Janky Wheelchair once before Sister #2 broke it. I haven’t had a chance to get good at it. Sheesh!

It’s more than a little annoying we even had this argument. It’s my wheelchair. For me! I’m an adult who can make decisions. They acted like I was being cheap or ashamed about asking for an electric wheelchair. Their opposition to what I wanted made me feel as though my logic was unreasonable or I was using magical thinking about the manual wheelchair.

I wasn’t! I recognize it will not be easy at first, but noting ever is. I’ll have to work at it, just like everything else since the stroke.

Thankfully, the therapist was #TeamJodi. She explained how part of her job was writing a narrative to the insurance company convincing them why I needed a Non-Janky Wheelchair. She said electric wheelchairs are large and expensive and probably not something I could use at home unless I had a spacious house. She doubted insurance would pony up for an electric wheelchair just for use in the community.

So, I was right and my family was wrong. Also, I learned my back is 29-inches long and I have good posture.

NOW. . . I wait a few weeks for a call from the wheelchair showroom people and then I can go check out the wheels. Then 3-4 months after that I could have a Non-Janky Wheelchair. I can’t hardly wait!

I’ve had enough of this stuff,
Jodi

The post April, Come She Will appeared first on I Will Dare.

Hi Darling Ones,

I’ve had a lot on mind. Well, I always do. But lately I’ve been thinking about the two finger-snaps in Dire Straits’ “Romeo & Juliet” and if the are significant in some way, if they are meant to symbolize something.

You’d be surprised by how much I think about this. It is more than a lot.

However, since the federal government shutdown I’ve been thinking about other things. Namely the boundless cruelty of the USA and the people who govern it. Also, the fathomless greed of the wealthy and all those people who could put an end to hunger and poverty and houselessness if they chose to throw their money at that problem.

More selfishly I’ve been thinking my writing and my situation.

It’s clear I love writing here. I’ve been doing it for 25 years, and I continue even though the physical acts of typing and reading are difficult and exhausting after the stroke. You can sorta see what my vision is like in the image at the top of this post. Spoiler: it’s not good.

One of my vague goals for iwilldare.com is to share what it’s like to be a single, 6’5″, white, GenX woman at this moment in time. And by this moment, I mean all the moments in time when I post. Now that I’ve become a single, 6’5″ white, disabled GenX woman during some massively horrifying historic events I feel as though my writing is more navel-gazey than ever.

It feels kinda gross to be so self-focused during the horrors thrust upon us by the government. This is a time where showing up and being a member of the community is important. Instead, all I do is sit in a chair and worry about if I’ll ever get on the dole.

With SNAP and WIC benefits running out because of the government shutdown I thought abut donating to the local food shelf. Food insecurity is one of those issues that really get me in the old ticker. I know what that’s like. I grew up with food insecurity and have gone hugry many times (yes, a hungry food insecure fat girl, it happens).

Sadly, I checked to see how much money I could spare. I can spare exactly $0.00. I’ve got exactly $3,713.41 to last me until, I’m not sure when. They haven’t even scheduled my Social Security hearing yet, and I don’t know how long it takes to get a verdict or money.

Bah!

Now, you can see how my thoughts have been going the past few weeks. It’s becoming a well-worn spiral — horrors, my writing, horrors, my own situation. How do people other people do this? How do you cope with personal tragedies or problems in the midst of bigger, more pressing problems?

Pondering Romeo & Juliet was way more fun and it helped me sleep at night.

Just another one of your deals,
Jodi

P.S.
In 2020 when I donated to my local food shelf I got an email from the Executive Director thanking me because I was the first person to ever use the online donation form. He told me he googled me and because I was a Replacements’ fan he offered me a gig. I built a beautiful website for them that they never used because the new Marketing Director, hired after I started my work, either did not like me or wanted to put her mark on everything. I didn’t get to stick around long enough to find out. I’m sad to report they still have an ugly ass website.

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