Hi Darling Ones,

I do not like the flower Bird of Paradise. In fact, I kinda hate it. Seeing one gives me hatey-feelings in my heart and makes me want to spit. I did not realize my distaste for this fart-face flower until I saw that LEGO is releasing a Bird of Paradise building kit.

The strength of my reaction to this news surprised me a little bit. I tend to love green, growing things. I stand over my Sadness Garden and shout “I LOVE YOU!” to it every day.

I especially love flowers and for many years campaigned heavily to get flowers for my birthday. BFK is still bitter that she got me flowers for my 28th birthday because she didn’t think I’d get any and she didn’t want me to be disappointed. She’s a good friend even though she underestimated my ability to charm the guys in tech support into buying me flowers (they got me birthday flowers for years).

On my 30th birthday I got 30 bouquets because I’m relentless and very good at marketing. In fact, I think I got flowers for my birthday nearly every year from about 28 – 40. After I turned 40 I stopped making a big deal out of my birthday because it really was a lot of work.

I have a lot of feelings about flowers. Lilies are the best. Lilacs are a close second. Roses are stinky and overrated. Daisies are an utter delight, so are frangipani. Carnations are only great in massive quantities. Marigolds are highly underrated. Bird of Paradise are awful and duplicitous because they look more like a bird than a flower. Also, they remind me of a man I dated a long time ago who was not very kind and cheated on me before he had the courage to break up with me. Whenever he would pull a dick move he’d send me flowers. With each dick move the arrangement got bigger and bigger, finally culminating in a monstrosity that featured Bird of Paradise. Boo. Hiss. Incidentally, he was the same dude who hated this website because he said it read like a giant personal ad. As if I can help how fucking charming I am. Geez.

May the bird of paradise fly up that jackasses’ nose,
Jodi

P.S. if you’re wondering what to get for my birthday which is in 34 days, the DJ Unicorn beatbox.

The post The COVID Diaries: The Worst Flower appeared first on I Will Dare.

• I spent $5 on a giant bouquet of flowers at the teeny, eeny farmer’s market that takes place in the parking lot of the American Legion & now I’m just sitting here typing and smiling at them.
• There are two books waiting for me at the library (Ruby by Cynthia Bond & The Appetites of Girls by Pamela Moses).
• I get to sleep in tomorrow since Sister #4 is Tibblesitting & I don’t have to be at a meeting until 10 a.m.
• Nolan, Liam & I got tacos from a food truck and then ate those tacos next to the Minnesota river.
• Liam & I have started pronouncing tacos tay-cos because we are hilarious.
• BFK & Atom are off to celebrate his birthday which means Sister #4 is house-sitting for them instead of invading Supergenius HQ.
• I had a BudLight Lime-a-rita and Little Caesar’s pizza for dinner at Sister #2’s house tonight & it was delicious.
• Also, in a wonderful bit of serendipitous timing I flung my arms open to Walter as he was hopping all over my lap and said, “Oh Walter, do you want a hug.” Then with his paws up, he fell against my chest like he was hugging me. Maxwell’s face nearly crumpled from the weight of witnessing such an adorable act of adorableness.
• I’m still smiling at the $5 flowers. It’s been so long since I’ve gotten flowers (shocking, I know) that I almost forgot how happy they make me.
• As soon as I hit post I’m gonna eat the rest of the Karamel Sutra ice cream.

The post Anti-Bummers: The $5 Flowers Edition appeared first on I Will Dare.

As you may or may not know, I love my birthday. It’s the one day of the year set aside to celebrate ME! (If you want to be technical June 6 has also been designated as the day we must celebrate my youngest sister since she was born on that day too. Also my cousin Mickey. Also my cousin Mickey’s youngest son. Also, my grandparents wedding anniversary. Also WWII buffs like to talk about storming the beach and Normandy)

What I love most about my birthday, aside from the celebration of ME!, is what a perfect time of year it is. The first week of June in Minnesota is usually some glorious shit. Warm during the day, cool at night, and flowers bursting forth with gorgeous colors and beautiful fragrances. Lilacs and Crab Apples and Other Blooming Things I Don’t Know the Names of, oh my!

If I could bottle up the smell of the first week of June in Minnesota, I would and then I’d drench myself in that odor to the point where HR has to send memos about wearing too much perfume/cologne. It is, simply, the best smell on Earth, and I don’t just say that because it’s also the smell of my birthday. The birthday is just a bonus to the smell.

But this year everything’s all messed up. Thanks to 80-degree days in March and virtually no snow at all during the winter, Minnesota plants seem to think the first week of June is right now, and it’s not. There are exactly 49 days until my birthday and the crab apple trees would take kindly to pay attention to the calendar.

Today I noticed lilacs are in bloom and explained to them that despite what they think it is only the third week in April and not even close to the first week of June. Lilacs, I said, cool your god damn jets.

Mother Nature is seriously harshing my fortieth birthday buzz.

The post Lilacs in the Door-yard Bloom’d too soon appeared first on I Will Dare.