Hello Darling Ones,

There are days where the unending monotony of this pandemic drives me to despair. There are days where I think over and over, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this. I might die. Am I going mad? I can’t do this anymore. The boredom is killing me. The anxiety is killing me. Everything is killing me.

My plan was to come here today and write jokes or say something funny. I thought about maybe making a list of the Top 5 Things Dudes Do That Are Super Attractive. Or I was gonna write something poignant. I have ideas. So many ideas. I wrote a long list in my planner last week, but I can’t even fake it today. I’m Sarah Lynn from “BoJack Horseman.” Today, the light inside of me is dying.

I’m tired and angry and so fucking bored* that I want to gnaw off my own hands just for something to do.

When I get into this kind of despair cycle the rational part of my brain tells me that this is temporary. I know I will wake up tomorrow and feel some other kind of thing. Tomorrow will be a day where my mom is not rushed to the hospital at 4 a.m. after my dad called 911 because she thought she was having a heart attack. Tomorrow will maybe be a day where I wake up refreshed after sleeping well. Tomorrow I won’t have to hear the crack in my Dad’s voice when he says, “I was scared. We have friends who died in the middle of the night.” Tomorrow might be a day where I have the energy and emotional capacity to write something good. Tomorrow might be a day where I don’t intellectualize my feelings in an attempt to show everyone that I am okay and instead feel them.

Today was pretty rough, Darling Ones. My mom is back home and doing well. I talked to her and she sounded good. So that is a relief, but I’m still an exhausted emotional anxious and bored wreck.

Tomorrow might be a better day,
Jodi

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Guess what, Darling Ones?

Last night Yesterday, I accidentally ate dinner at 5 p.m. I was distraught when I came out to the couch after eating putting away the dishes and realizing it was 5:16 p.m. I thought for sure it was nearly seven and time for Supermarket Sweep.

A few weeks ago, my friend EM referred to time in 2020 as Time Soup. It’s a mishmashed jumble of days, hours, months, that don’t follow any sort of chronological order or internal logic. I’ve been swimming in Time Soup all day. Around three this afternoon a client informed me that tomorrow is not Friday. And I was like, “I’m a little lost, but fair enough.”

By my count it has been Monday for 88 hours, and I’m not just saying that because I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. last night and woke up at 7 this morning. I couldn’t get back to sleep either, because as soon as I opened my eyes I was convinced I was going to oversleep for my meetings.

I had two meetings today, Darling Ones. TWO!

This was exciting because for the most part I haven’t worked more than six or seven hours a week since August. That’s for the entire week. Not like six hours in a day. In a week. I only billed $850 last month. It has been brutal. If it wasn’t for my ridiculously cheap mortgage and qualifying for partial unemployment I’d be so fucked. Like the fuckedest. It sounds so stupid to say it, but being solely responsible for supporting yourself is nerve-wracking. Supporting yourself while self-employed is extra nerve-wracking. Frankly, I’m not entire sure how I make this all work and I try not to think about it too much.

Anyway, so I had two meetings today and I was unsure if I remembered how to businessperson or talk to a human without using the word fuck in every other sentence. I felt a little like Vincent Adultman from BoJack Horseman. You know, the three kids in a business coat who date Princess Carolyn? Do you watch BoJack Horseman? It’s one of my favorites. It’s on my rotation of shows that I watch all the time for comfort. This roster also includes: The Office, Parks & Rec, Bob’s Burgers, The Good Place, and Dawson’s Creek. If you ever need a soliloquy or witty quip from one of those shows, I’m your woman.

So yeah, I Adultmanned like a motherfucker through those meetings, and it wasn’t easy. First of all, I was inappropriately attracted to one of the men I was meeting with for reasons I cannot explain. It was inappropriate because he was much younger than I am and also because work. Ugh, I feel a little gross confessing that, but he was cute!

It was also difficult because my hair is at the perma-bedhead stage of growing out and seeing myself on the video call was distracting. The whole time I wasn’t being inappropriately attracted I just wanted to examine my hair and all it’s gravity and geometry-defying feats of wonder.

So yeah. I adulted. I got a small project that will give me something to do a few hours a week and I saw a cute guy, which isn’t as good as seeing cute dog, but it’s what I got today.

Time to make the dinner,
Jodi

The post The COVID Diaries: Vincent Adultman & Time Soup appeared first on I Will Dare.

1. Bowlaway by Elizabeth McCracken

I have an ARC of this on my kindle, but I’m kind of afraid to read it. I know it’s going to be great. I have yet to be disappointed by a book Elizabeth McCracken has written. She is, after all, the author of my (probably) all-time favorite book The Giant’s House. And yet. . .

Anyway, look at this description: A sweeping and enchanting new novel from the widely beloved, award-winning author Elizabeth McCracken about three generations of an unconventional New England family who own and operate a candlepin bowling alley.

It might as well be called, hey Jodi, you’re gonna love this.

2. Season 5 of BoJack Horseman

This is one of my go to comfort shows. At any point in time I’m in the midst of watching either The Good Place, The Office, Parks & Rec, Bob’s Burgers, or BoJack.

3. boygenius EP

Usually I couldn’t give a shit about an EP. But Phoebe Bridgers + Lucy Dacus =?. I know Julien Baker is in there too, but I’m not as familiar with her work.

4. My Brilliant Friend

I’m so excited about HBO’s adaptation of this (even though “Sharp Objects” stunk) that I’ve begun to re-read Elena Ferrante’s “Neapolitan Quartert.”

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