I’ve taken Otto to bed with me. This is quite unusual. I’ve got this odd little rule about no TVs or computers in the bedroom. Sure, when Otto was brand new, he hung out in here all the time. I think it was the novelty of being able to post and chat whilst lounging about on my bed.
Since the grown-up bed arrived in May, there has been nary an Otto sighting in these parts. Tonight, is different.
While I managed to keep the Sunday blackness at bay last night, it has left me weak, drained and vulnerable. Yes, I’ve suffered a surprise attack. I can’t quite put my finger on what’s the matter.
But I am sad.
Tonight I needed nothing more than a little attention and affection. I needed someone to wipe away my tears and tell me to quit with the crazy talk. Someone to tell me that I am worthy of being loved and that it will happen. I needed this imaginary person to chuckle softly to themselves about how I might look like a big, giant woman but somehow I got emotionally stuck as an insecure 13 year old, prone to emotional outbursts and tantrums.
Basically, I just needed someone to care tonight. But sadly, nobody did. Which is mostly my fault. I have a hard time being needy. Not, such a hard time expressing it to myself-in electronic words on a computer screen. But I am not the type of person who can say the words, ‘I need a hug,’ without bursting into tears and then berating myself for being weak.
See, I struggle with this independence thing. I enjoy it. I wear it like a badge of honor and at the same time I abhor it. It’s not all strength and glory-a lot of times its just weakness and fear disguised as strength and glory.
So tonight I am crying. I needed a hug and I couldn’t get one. Usually I am pretty good to myself. Taking care of me is what I seem to do best. But sometimes it’s a bit more than I can handle, like tonight. Somehow tonight I don’t think a flannel hug from my favorite comforter is gonna cut it.
Tonight, I think it’s just gonna have to be bad. I don’t have the energy or the patience to make sure I am gonna be all right. There are no pep talks and logic rattling around in this tear-addled head.
Tonight, I just have to be sad.
I think that sometimes we just have to be sad. Otherwise, if we stuff it, it just stays there, and festers, and doesn’t go away. Just know that I care, Jodi, and if I were there I’d hug you and flick straws at you. Hell, I’ll do that this Saturday anyway. 🙂
Paige makes a good point; sometimes we need to just get sad so that we can have frame of reference for when things are peachy. Also, like Paige, you know I care very much about you, and if I had long enough arms, I’d hug you from Texas.
I’ve never found solace on the web. When I’m down, I embrace and give myself a deep down sad overload. I make popcorn and then watch my favorite sad movies (I’m such a chick). So, go to Blockbuster (if you’re still sad today), rent Kolya, The Eigth Day, and The Power of One and have yourself a good ol’ cry. Oh yeah.
The Power of One – I just saw that last weeked. That’s a good sad movie – it’s inspiring and sad. Although I’m the opposite; if I’m sad, I want to watch a comedy. Being sad sucks. *hugs for Jodi*
The funeral scene works for me every time. Cry like a baby. And then, I usually feel better. Catharsis baby. Get it all out at once and then leave it. Cry, shower, bowl of ice cream.