I’ve been a fan of Conan O’Brien’s talk show since college. Tall, red-headed, literate, funny — he’s like the dream. I’ve watched his show pretty consistently for the better part of 20 years. Though my viewership has fallen off quite a bit since the election of the Racist Gameshow Host. That’s more to do with my being just fucking done with men’s stories and jokes and art and pretty much everything. I’m 46 years old and I’m full up of men’s stuff. So done that I only watch Conan sporadically.

Despite this, whenever Conan has on a musical guest I super adore I feel like it’s a special signal from the Universe that it loves me and wants me to be happy. I also feel this whenever the first song I hear on the radio is The Replacements and if I eat a minibox of Dots that has one of each color in it.

In the words of the great Amanda Shires, “everything’s a sign if you want it to be.”

All this is to say that I’m super pumped that Phoebe Bridgers is on Conan. Her record “Stranger in the Alps” is my favorite one of 2017 that I didn’t really discover until 2018.

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I, on the other hand, am probably the anti-Pop Culturalist. Or, in the words of the common people (and my sisters), a Haughty Snob. While I don’t abandon that which I love when it becomes popular, I am more than likely to eschew those things that are wildly popular. Why? Because I’m a Haughty Snob. Duh. No, the real reason is I believe that more often than not for things to become wildly popular with all kinds of people they have to be watered-down drivel or brainless and obvious (please see the continued popularity of “Two and a Half Men” and Nicholas Sparks books for further evidence).

Now there are things that are wildly popular that I love. I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, but trust me there are. Though sometimes I wonder if I just think they’re wildly popular because these things are popular with the people I surround myself with and I rarely peep my head outside my cloistered world filled with people who have impeccable taste and above average intelligence, just like me.

But you know, I like to try new things. At least today I did. So at 4 p.m. I cuddled into my La-Z-Grrl and turned my eyes to the very last Oprah Winfrey show ever. I know ol’ Op can be something of a lightning rod. People love her or hate her. I’m apathetic. She inspires neither devotion or rage in me. However I was curious. I know to legions of people Oprah is some sort of spiritual leader. The woman has mad influence and I couldn’t resist hearing her parting words before she stepped down from her pulpit.

Part me tuned in because I really was hoping for a spectacle. I didn’t get it. Instead Oprah stood on stage, alone and spewed an hour of her Oprah-speak. People eat that stuff up– that brand of Hallmark Philosophy that’s meant to inspring or empowering, but I find just kind of nebulous nothing. She filled the hour with talk of your energy and how everyone just wants to be heard and gratefulness and thanking America. It was bland. Kind of boring. The exact reason I eschew the wildly popular!

Of course, I can’t diss on her too hard. Endings are hard. However, I think it was a missed opportunity. With the eyes of the world tuned to her, I wish she would have said something concrete, something more than “be the change you want to see in the world” (which is basically what she said).

Snore.

When it comes to endings, I think Conan did a much better job.

Conan O’Brien Kinetic Typography from Jacob Gilbreath on Vimeo.

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Leno (the Baby Boomer) could step aside like a gentleman, and wander off into the Las Vegas light pollution to become a kindly old comedian trotted out whenever the event fits. Instead though, as is typical of Boomers* he must continue to cling to the belief that he’s in his prime and the slackers cannot do anything right, he stamps his feet and NBC being the spineless corporate megalith gives him what he wants. Because “the way we always do it” is the right way to go.

And what makes me even angrier is the reports that NBC and Conan are arguing over intellectual properties like the Pimpbot and Triumph. The fact that NBC even wants to keep these proves that there is some sort of cultural capital there and yet they’re still willing to let Conan walk. What is Leno bringing to the table? Fucking Jaywalking and poorly-edited Headlines? (the irony of Jay’s main schtick being newspaper should be lost on no one)

Long-time readers know that I’m a long-time lover of Sir Conan, and watching his show has become a little painful. Not because his macabre gallows humor the past few weeks isn’t funny, but because it reminds me so much of when we all told we were being laid off from Hell, Inc. months before it actually happened. I remember that feeling so well and it kind of sucks. Sure it looks like fun but really you’re only laughing because once you stop you’re gonna cry. Poor Conan. Fucking Jay.

*I also think a lot of when Leno is doing is motivated by the fact that he’s been stricken by the fame virus, a virus that afflicts celebrities whereby they seem to think out of sight really is out of mind and thus they must claw and scratch for every bit of exposure they can, and yet there are plenty of long dead and private people who are famous as all get out without shoving their plasticized maws into our faces every 32 seconds.

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