Confession: I like watching commercials. I always have. I don’t necessarily love the commercials (see yesterdays diatribe about Walmart and doorbells and add to it Columbia and their firetruck sirens), but they fascinate me. I wonder what the strategy was, who the audience is and sometimes WHAT IN THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING (see Google’s use of “Father Christmas”).

If you know me for any length of time I will make you talk about commercials with me. I spent 30 minutes on the phone bitching about election commercials to my friend EM who lives in Madison. Sister #2 thinks I need to start a blog where I just bitch about commercials that bug me. She claims she’d read it all the time.

Today I tried to avoid computer screens. My pre-election anxiety is at its peak and coupling that with work burnout means I ned to not be plugged in. So instead I sat on the couch with a pile of dogs, some yarn, and a random season of Top Chef on Hulu.

This is all to say that I’ve seen a lot of commercials today, and tomorrow I will share those thoughts with you because I’m out of words for today.

The post Day 102 of 200: They Don’t Even Wear Underpants Part I appeared first on I Will Dare.

So what kind of jerkwads would use the song about poor kids at Christmas to sell Chromebooks at Christmas? I guess that would be Google. Now, I am someone who has pretty much sold my soul to Google. Well, 1/3 of it at least. The other 2/3 belong to Apple and Amazon. Whatever. And I’m over rock & roll songs I love being used in commercials. I get it. It’s hard to make a buck these days and if Passion Pit wants to take Taco Bell’s money in exchange for using “Take a Walk” to sell Doritos tacos, good for them.

But really? This song. THIS SONG? This song is actively against what you are trying to do. . . sell shit for Christmas.

Amy, one of my Twitter pals, thought perhaps this was just a case of a stupid ad agency not listening to the lyrics of the song. But if you want the video you can hear very clearly that at the very end, the song doesn’t sound quite right. Why is that? Because they edited out the line “save all the toys for the little rich boys.”

The outrage burns bright & strong this morning. Also, Google should get their money back from the ad agency who thought this one was a good idea (but just for this one commercial, usually the Google ads are pretty great, says the woman who watches commercials like they are the entertainment).

The post Share My Outrage: Using The Kinks’ ‘Father Christmas’ to Sell Stuff appeared first on I Will Dare.

But it was a big group and we had a coworker we particularly didn’t like. We’ve all had them. This particular coworker was short and kind of squat. She had the yellowy hair you get when you use peroxide to go blonde instead of something classy like Nice & Easy. She was fond of stirrup pants, smoking, and making other people feel bad about themselves. Even though our job was to take orders for software, she would often take her calls to, well, the next level. Or some level. I’m not even sure what that level would be called. This coworker would often get gifts from the people she took calls from. And not nice thank yous or anything like that, people who called to order software would send her flowers or Victoria’s Secret gift cards. No lie. This happened more than once.

I’m not sure what kind of customer service you have to deliver to get that kind of stuff. I do know that I didn’t deliver that kind of service because no customer ever sent me anything. I’m okay with that.

All these things weren’t even the worst thing about her. The worst thing about her is that she liked to smoke. A lot. Which is fine and dandy, but when she would walk to the back of the building where the smokers went she would whistle. Yes, whistle. And she’d always whistle “Yellow Submarine.” She was a loud whistler, and no matter where you were in the office you could hear her. Without fail you’d find yourself singing “Yellow Submarine” within minutes of her passing by. It was awful.

Right around now, I wish I still worked with her. This way I could con one of the tech doofs to rig up her computer so that whenever she moved her mouse the “Give me back that Filet O’Fish” jingle would pour from her speakers. And if there is any justice in this world, she spends most of March with that fucking jingle stuck in her head. If there’s any truth about energy and juju and vibes and what not, every time that song gets stuck in my head I send it zinging through the universe to her, wherever she might be now.

The post Using the universe to exact my revenge appeared first on I Will Dare.

The post The Onion hates the Free credit report dot com commercial appeared first on I Will Dare.

So I had to type the lyrics because you can’t find the commercial on YouTube. I am so disappointed. The Internet has let me down.

Also, I haven’t started my short story that is due on Wednesday. Also, I can’t sleep anymore but I try, lord knows, I try. In fact I am going to try again right now! Well, after I finish My Date with Satan (only one story left). Also, tomorrow night is the Jim Walsh reading so I better get some writing done between now and then.

Also, I am fucked, figuratively, not literally.

The post If you lived in my head this is what you would hear appeared first on I Will Dare.