Dear Darling Ones,

My sisters often tease me about what a loud blabbermouth I turn into when I’m anxious. It’s a weird habit for a generally shy introvert.

However, I grew up in an emotionally-volatile family and silence was often a prelude to an explosion of some kind, sometimes it led to violence. I’ll never forget being knocked into a wall at my Grandma Chromey’s apartment when my dad and his siblings got into an argument that ended in a physical fight.

My dad loved to use the silent treatment when he was angry. In my head and body, silence = violence. Whenever I encounter an awkward silence I fill that void, even if the silence is normal, when people aren’t expected to talk.

This makes a lot people believe I’m an outgoing extrovert. Not true! It’s just that I abhor awkward silences more than I value staying quiet and unnoticed.

When I went to the dentist a few months ago Sister #2 said, “You were so loud and laughing so much I thought, ‘Oh, she’s so anxious.’”

It’s an annoying affliction because in the moment I know I’m blathering on. My brain is screaming SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, but my fight or flight response is all, “fuck off.”

The babbling has, of course, only gotten worse since the stroke robbed me of my balance and ability to walk. Always acutely aware of my towering height and enormous size, I’ve now added a wobbly, lurching stomp accompanied by a giant walker (used for very short distances) making my in public anxiety skyrocket.

To show you what I mean, I present you an abridged list of everything I told the woman who cut my hair Thursday.

• I shaved my head bald on & off from 2018-2023.
• I did the shave/grow out thing once because I wanted to try it, once because of COVID, and once because I had a stroke.
• My goal is to have Belinda Carlisle “Mad About You” hair.
• Thick hair runs in my family.
• So does curly hair.
• My biological father was 6’3″ and my mom is 5’10”
• 5’8″ Sister #2 laughs when she people tell her she’s tall.
• My dad was 5’7″ on a very good day.
• When I had a sleep study the wires they put on people’s legs were too short for me so they improvised.
• And the bed was too short.
• My right side was affected by the stroke.
• I have a tremor and a lot of heaviness on my right side.
• Yes, that’s the tallest walker a lot of people have seen.
• NONE of the six male first responders believed me when I told them I had a stroke and a friend had to take me to the hospital.
• Women need to advocate for themselves because men don’t believe our pain.

I did learn a bit about her. She has a brother and three kids She and her husband redid their basement and now their 6’5″ friend Matt can’t walk through it without hunching.

Gah, I am the worst.

Blabberingly yours,
Jodi

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Dear 2000 Jodi,

Hey you! You’re never going to guess what 2025 Jodi did today. She? We? I? made an appointment at a Seating Clinic. Did you know that was a thing? Neither did I, but apparently it’s what you gotta do to get a better wheelchair. Also, we need a wheelchair.

I know! We’re only 53, but the 2020s have not been kind to us. However, you’ve kept this blog going for 25 years. How rad is that?

While I have your attention you 28-year-old ding dong, let me drop a little bit more wisdom I’ve gained over the years. I know you’re screeching, Don’t tell me what to do. I’m gonna try anyway

1. You worry too much about men loving you. It doesn’t matter. They will love you in the best way possible, maybe not always the way you want or when you want, but they will. Love you.
2. Stop ignoring your body. You’re gonna have a stroke when you’re 50 and it’s gonna suck.
3. And while we’re at it, stop with the all lowercase thing. We get it, e.e. cummings, you’re sensitive and literary. You’re also embarrassing your future self. Knock it off.
4. Your stroke is gonna make typing and seeing and reading really really hard. Type more while you can. Some day you’re gonna dictate these blog posts into a Notes app and each paragraph ends with “paragraph no no new paragraph no.”
5. Yeah, there is a five. “There is no five” was fucking annoying. I’m glad you knocked that off years ago.
6. That stupid blog you start when you’re smoking cigarettes in Prior Lake is going t change your life. It’s going to get you up for a career in marketing and freelancing. It’s gonna go on for 25 fucking years and bring the absolute best people into your life. It is your life‘s work.
7. I got some bad news. Grammu died. So did our dad. Uncle Danny died. Uncle George died. So did all dad’s brothers. Jodi Hanson‘s mom. Betty died and so did Burger boy. A lot of people died. Your heart breaks 1 million billion times and yet you go on. You love harder than you ever have before. It’s fucking amazing .
8. 2020 is gonna suck and 2021 and then your dad‘s gonna die and then you’re gonna have a stroke so buckle up, buttercup. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride. You’re gonna be fine.

Listen up 2020, 28-year-old Jodi, I know you’re one lonely motherfucker. Here’s the thing, you haven’t met all the people you’re gonna love yet. Here in 2025 you have so many people you love who love you right back. It’s bewildering and amazing. The hold you up in your darkest, bleakest times and rive you the strength to go on when life takes a hard left.

It’s all good and beautiful. You need that reminder right now. Not only do you have to go to a seating clinic, you gotta find a Social Security attorney. The government won’t let you on the dole. It’s a whole thing I won’t get into now. It will probably work out. Something will happen.

Love you, ding dong,
2025 Jodi

P.S. Darling Ones, I legit need a Social Security attorney. The government denied my appeal and so I can’t get any further in the process alone. Know anyone or where to look? Thanks! XOXO, Jodi

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Hi Darling Ones,

How’re your hearts and brains holding up while we continue to live through these cruel unprecedented times?

Mine’s okay, mostly because I was able to sleep a bunch last night and I’m doing a pretty good job of staying out of the doom spiral.

Since I’m in a decent mood, I thought I’d share some anti-bummers with you.

1. There’s Mrs. Meyer’s lilac-scented soap in the downstairs bathroom and dandelion-scented soap in the kitchen and so whenever I wash my hands it smells like spring or summer in here.
2. Sister #4 gave me the bitchen Sony cans her new job sent her and they’re fancy. So fancy, I can skip or rewind by swiping on the ear cup.
3. Whenever the current events get too heavy I’ve decided to put down the screens and go make something.
4. Currently, there is cheddar jalapeño no-knead bread resting in my kitchen.
5. Related to the last: I had an apple and sharp cheddar for lunch.
6. I’m in love with Neko Case’s memoir The Harder I Fight the More I Love You. It is beautiful and painful and the writing will stab you right in the heart in the best way.
7. Because I don’t want the book to go by too fast I’m spending part of each day listening to Case’s discography in chronological order. I just reached “Fox Confessor Brings the Flood.”
8. That reminds me, I had to turn off the “pause when talking” feature of the cans because it thinks talking and singing are the same thing.

That’s what I got right now, which is a lot considering we’re in the midst of a coup by the dumbest people on earth.

Love,
Jodi

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Hi Darling Ones,

One more day. We can do it! Here’s three things I wanted to mention before the year ended.

A Crowded House

As is tradition, I hosted Rock & Roll Bookclub Dirty Santa on the 28th and it was most excellent. My college-era friend Ray came from Madison and at one point he, Sister #2, and Wolfdogg were chatting in the dining room. Ben & Max were preparing dinner in the kitchen, Hannah & Jaycie were on the couch chatting with Cade, my mom, and Sister #4, and I turned to Heather, who was sitting next to me and said, “This makes me so happy.”

There’s nothing quite like having your house crowded with people you love making a joyous racket. My eyes well with happy tears and my arms are goose bumped at the memory. I’m so fortunate to have so many wonderful people and I told every single one of them I loved them that night. Lucky me.

For The Love of God, Make Your Own Website

I’ve been on the record for a long time about how I wish blogs would come back. I miss the early aughts when blogging was all the rage and everyone wrote one and was messy all over the internet. It was so fun!

This piece by Gita Jackson gets at why we need our own damn websites:
We were already long overdue for a return to websites we control, rather than feeds manipulated by tech oligarchs

It reminds me of the Matt Haughey quote from 2016. “Blogging gave a billion people their own typewriter but turns out 15yrs later everyone prefers writing at 3 typewriter factories instead.”

Kind Neighbors & 2020 Jodi

On December 22nd I was awakened from slumber by voice saying, “hello, hello.” Since I was half asleep I wasn’t sure what was going on.

“Hello.” A woman’s voice said from downstairs. “Hello?”
“Are you in my house?” I asked from my bed upstairs.
“Yes,” she said. “I’m your neighbor. Your front door is open. I’m just going to shut it.”
“Thank you SO MUCH,” I said from under the covers.
“It’s locked,” she said. “I’m just going to unlock it and then shut it.”

I got dressed quicker than I ever have since my stroke in March 2023 and hustled downstairs where it was a frigid 48º in my living room. All cats, presents, and laptops were accounted for. Holy shit!

When I went to bed the night before my furnace kept kicking in. I checked the thermostat app on my phone and it said it was 54º in the living room. Since it was about 108º upstairs I thought my Nest thermostat had gone wiggy. Climbing the stairs is a harrowing journey and I wasn’t about to do it to deal with a wonky thermostat at midnight. So I went to bed planning to deal with it the morning.

I never imagined my FRONT DOOR WAS OPEN ALL NIGHT. IN DECEMBER. IN MINNESOTA.

Holy shit!

The deadbolt on my front door had been sticking so I was only using the bottom twisty lock until Ben could look at it.

So that’s why I had to spend $200+ on a fancy new lock I can lock/unlock with my phone. This was on top of the $1000 I spent on a new dishwasher & microwave the first week of December. Oh, and there was a surprise leaky toilet that cost $300 on December 27th.

Y’all I’m real broke. Please think positive thoughts I can get on the dole because I also need a $1600 water softener and to, you know, eat, afford meds, mortgage, and those kinds of good things in life. Ayiyiyiyi.

However, I do owe a boatload of appreciation to 2020 Jodi who socked away all the COVID money back in 2020, saving for a rainy day. Thanks to her I’ve survived thus far without going into debt. YAY, us!

Here’s to a 2025 with more to appreciate and 0 trips to the ER.

Jodi

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Hello Darling Ones,

How are you holding up the day before something happens?

A long time ago when I was seeing the TTHM he always dealt with my anxiety over something nebulous and impossible to know by saying, “something will happen and then you deal with it.”

I carry that bit of wisdom with me and probably will forever. Thanks, TTHM.

Here’s what I’m doing while I wait for something to happen.

• Googling: Is it illegal to take a picture of your ballot Minnesota. I filled out my ballot and sent it in awhile ago. It was accepted on October 7th and will be counted according to the MN Secretary of State website.
• Listening to ol’ Pappy John Cougar Mellencamp. The Coug is my sonic security blanket. If things go poorly tomorrow I’ll pull out the Paul Simon and Frightened Rabbit. But for now, it’s all about The Cougs.
• Randomly shouting “PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER” at the cats/
• Checking in on my friends to make they have a snack plan in place. This is not a drill, sweet and salty must be at the ready.
• Making calico beans in the crockpot. This is my new favorite comfort food. I eat it with a grilled cheese. I cannot vouch for that recipe, I didn’t use it. Recipes are for unimaginative fraidy cats.
• Writing this list.
• Last night I bugged my family about getting matching Christmas pajamas. We had to act fast because they were on sale for $5.70. I can’t wait.
• Doing a little bit of work (yay!)
• Soon I’m gonna turn all the rotten bananas in my freezer into banana bread (see how I’m gonna have my sweet snack base covered)
• Reading The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry because a social media friend suggested it. “I come into the peace of wild things
  who do not tax their lives with forethought
  of grief.”

All these things are doing a pretty good job of keeping me sort of focused but unfocused at the same time. I keep reminding myself to take deep breaths, unclench my teeth, and relax my shoulders. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about my tremor which goes off the charts when I’m stressed out. Maybe if there’s a peaceful transition of power it will go away completely?

Be kind to yourselves, Darling Ones. Something will happen and then we can deal with it.

Optimistically yours,
Jodi

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