Harshing the ho-ho-ho: A mini rant in the form of a list

  1. Isn’t it some sort of grocery store law that if you’ve backed more than halfway out of your space the fucker who comes barreling up behind you just has to wait until you’ve finished? That’s what I thought. So the fartface in the giant SUV who honked and threw his hands up in a WTF-like manner was totally wrong. Right? (incidentally, I read a post about when fartface was first used in print today and cannot resist the urge to use it whenever possible)*.
  2. This was supposed to be a week where I spent a majority of my time preparing my house for the influx of family on Christmas Eve because work was supposed to be slow. Ha! Ha! Ha! All hell broke loose on the work front this afternoon.**
  3. One of the side-effects of chemo has left my mom with a lot of pain in her hands and feet. It breaks my heart. But she is able to eat and not get sick. So that’s good.***
  4. The super-high, way up in the sky 20-foot window in the living room here at Supergenius HQ started to leak. Drippy drops of water plummeted from on high and splashed onto the arm of the La-Z-Grrl and I craned my neck wand watched them fall, all the while freaking out. After approximately eight minutes of freaking, I got out the super-long pole that reminds me of the one we used to change the gas prices on the sign at the gas station I worked at and put a towel up on the ledge so at least I wouldn’t be splashed while I pondered who to call. The dripping ceased almost immediately.
  5. There is no five.
  6. Also, there are no more pretzel M&Ms in this joint and I would very much like it if that were not the case.
  7. If anyone asks me to do one more thing that is not on my list I will kick him and/or her right where it counts. Hard. I am full up with things I need to do which is why I had a small stress-induced panic attack complete with tears seasoned in self-pity that caused me to close my eyes and pet my cat**** for thirty minutes while Ben Folds sang on the TV with a bunch of people I’ve never heard of before.

*Whenever I even say fartface in my head I giggle uncontrollably right out loud like I’m some kind of eight-year-old boy.
**I am ever grateful that I have work to do. Thank you, universe.
***Also, I’d like to thank the universe that my mom is at home and has a warm safe place to recuperate and she has the chance to recuperate.
****that is not a euphemism.

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4 Comments

  1. bakiwop 21.Dec.10 at 7:23 am

    regarding #7 – someone recently used the phrase “schizophrenic narrative” when talking about my writing. would you ever-so-kindly review my writing and give me your thoughts on it? thanks!

    Reply
  2. Lori 21.Dec.10 at 8:27 pm

    I love this list.

    Reply
  3. Peabo 22.Dec.10 at 12:44 am

    I miss you! And, in the spirit of the season, know that I would still change into pants to go with you to see a boy play his guitar. And I’m contemplating mailing you pretzel M&Ms, though you and I know that my best intentions is all the further that will go.
    Merry Christmas, and all kinds of a Happy New Year. I want a Grumpy’s reunion before 2012.

    Reply
  4. Melissa 22.Dec.10 at 11:29 am

    I love your list… and Ben Folds.

    Reply

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