You know the ceiling in the Supergenius HQ Great Room is like 20 feet high, don’t you? In the middle of that ceiling is a big, ol’ fan that spends most of the year covered in dust so thick the blades appear to be made out of fur.
I had to dust that fucker today and it sucked. When you pair my fear of heights with the fact that even standing and looking straight up at something really high makes me a bit woozy, you can see this is a recipe for something that’s not gonna taste very good.
Why the hell am I even dusting that thing, you might ask. Good question. Once again I am playing host to all my mom’s brothers and sisters and their children and their children’s children on Christmas Eve. So I have to spiff up the Supergenius HQ. This is serious spiffing too. It’s not like my sisters are coming kind of clean where I just have to straighten the piles of crap and defur the couch. It’s not even like Rock & Roll Bookclub cleaning where I have to sweep floors and clean toilets. No, this is old Minnesota Aunt Cleaning — the worst kind of cleaning of all.
Matters are not helped at all by the fact that Supergenius HQ looks a bit like a college frat house circa 1997 — bras on the banister, pizza boxes, and in your mental picture where you’ve placed empty beer cans replace those with books. I’m slovenly and sue me. I’m done making apologies for it. I wish I had been born with that strand of DNA that makes me kind of a clean freak, but I wasn’t. Besides, my time is much better spent listening to podcasts of The New Yorker and playing Bejeweled than dusting base boards.
So I dusted the ceiling fan and it sucked. Did I already say that? I have a special telescoping pole thing with various attachments for dust removal, and it still sucks.
However, if you’re the Tibbles you believe I dust the fan flying up there with a feather duster after strapping on a pair of magic wings made out of lightning and fire that cannot be seen by the eyes of children until they are fourteen.
So for Christmas I would like some magic wings made out of lightning and fire and I promise that I’ll dust that fucker every week.