An open letter to the citizens of the Internet, just say no to douche

Dear People of the Internet,

Hi, how are you? Things are going pretty well here at Supergenius HQ. I spent a lot of time working on a writing project, it involved notecards and the sinking suspicion that I had lost one of my stories. No worries though, I found it.

Anyway People of the Internet, I hate to be a bitch, but we need to talk. It’s about your use of the word douche. It has become the adjective du jour for everything from Bill O’Reilly to rock and roll bands. Enough. It’s time to put the douche out to pasture. I just finished catching up with the y’all by clearing out my Google Reader and I counted no less than 32 uses of douche or douchebag or doucherocket or douchey, and a bunch of other conjugations I have wiped from my mind.

Come on people of the Internet you’re better than this. You’re smart, creative people with a big vocabulary. You can come up with a new way to describe the things and people you don’t like. Bust out the thesaurus and show the world what you’re made of, and when all else fails don’t be afraid to fallback on those time-honored stalwarts like bastard, jackass, bitch — they’re classics for a reason.

Just say no to douche.

Love and kisses,
Jodi

(Visited 46 times, 1 visits today)

18 Comments

  1. shokkou 12.May.08 at 4:05 pm

    Douche has been my word of choice since 1975. It works as an endearment, as in “you are the douche of my bag” as well as the more typical use as an insult like “use a turn signal you brainless excuse for a douche-drinking monkey testicle!”

    In short, it’s just a great word to scream out at the top of your lungs. If you say it right you can even feel your asshole pucker. I love douche. Douchedouchedouchedouche. Ahhh. Beautiful. But it should rarely if ever be used in writing unless it is a direct quote, imdp [in my douchey opinion]

    Reply
  2. AC 12.May.08 at 5:29 pm

    Completely agree.

    I especially agree as most people using this word have no idea what a douche is. Not a clue. I think you should not be allowed to use a word if you don’t know what it really is.

    Not to mention, I don’t think douches are sold anymore as I don’t think they actually have medical value, and may actually cause problems. And douche bags are no longer sold, when plastics became more commercially available the bag part was no longer needed. In the 90’s when I worked at the pharmacy all of the douches were bag-free and disposable.

    Men are so uncomfortable talking about menstration, why are they so comfortable throwing around words that address hoaxy-cures to vaginal maladies like vaginosis and vaginal yeast?

    I mean, you don’t hear men calling someone a “pad belt” or maybe a “dalcon shield.” It’s not cool to call other people names based on antiquated lady-business products, especially if you don’t know what it is or what it is used for.

    Reply
  3. AC 12.May.08 at 5:32 pm

    In fact, here is some really good information for all of us on the topic of ddouching:
    http://www.4woman.gov/faq/douching.htm

    I wonder how many men will be able to read the entire article and ever use that word again. In fact, I predict they will never use it again and cringe if they hear another man use it, due to the resulting memories of what douching really is.

    Reply
  4. bakiwop 12.May.08 at 6:03 pm

    AC -> I read the entire article and it was wonderful! I especially like the term “vaginal flora” which sounds like a pretty good name for a band. i did, however, have the problem of reading the word “organisms” as “orgasms” which may not bode well for me.

    Other great band names suggested by the article include, “vaginal cleansing”, “vaginal discharge” and “vaginal mucous”.

    A great first album for any of these bands would be “painful urination”.

    Reply
  5. shokkou 12.May.08 at 6:11 pm

    Pad Belt is the new douche! It works as a term of endearment OR an insult. Perfect! This is the best blog on the entire INTERWEB THINGY!

    Reply
  6. Peabo 12.May.08 at 6:51 pm

    Jodi: Thank you. THANK YOU. What with the teaching high school and all, I’m guessing I hear “douche” several times an hour. My glares are met with “Whhhaaaaat?” from mindless teenagers who can’t even speak the word ‘vagina’ out loud without turning a shade of pink that should get them hospitalized.

    AC: ‘Dalcon shield.’ I am so using that!! Thanks for bringing back a term I haven’t heard since 7th grade girls health class. I laughed right out loud when I read that. Until I got to “antiquated lady-business products” at which point the laugh became more of a cackle. You totally made my day. 🙂

    Reply
  7. Jodi 12.May.08 at 7:13 pm

    Pad belts always make me think of Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret, when she finally got her period and then went to go hang out next to the boy mowing the lawn hoping he’d notice.

    Also, in all my dating marketing materials I am going to make sure to highlight my self-cleaning vagina.

    Reply
  8. Placemat 12.May.08 at 8:31 pm

    I haven’t used douche in any connotation since Jr. High & had no notion of the fad.

    Until the other day, when a neighbor called me douche bag. For some reason, she thought I’d called her landlord with a complaint. She was mouthing-off to some friends & had no idea I was outside drinking a beer & listening. I had to correct her mistake & explain that calling me a douche bag was wrong. Ahhh, good times.

    I’m building a trebuchet.

    Reply
  9. Dreama 12.May.08 at 10:33 pm

    I just tested “pad belt” on my husband when he sat on my foot (and blocked my view of the TV). He didn’t get it.

    He was raised in Poland. I wonder if they had pad belts there. Now I’m going to have to ask.

    Reply
  10. Jodi 12.May.08 at 10:41 pm

    Clearly your husband hasn’t read Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret. I’d have no idea what in the hell a pad belt was if not for that book.

    Reply
  11. AC 13.May.08 at 8:23 am

    Peabo I think you should post the douching article in your classroom. Unless George Bush’s Jesus will murder you for encouraging kids to know facts about the human body. I mean, the article is from the government, too, but just not from Jesus.
    Imagine how mortified those kids would be if they knew what they were saying. Perhaps you could even bring in a Summers Eve and put it next to the pencil sharpener.

    Reply
  12. AC 13.May.08 at 8:27 am

    Summers Eve should be the band name, and the albums should be “Inner Labia” “Vaginal Flora” “Hooded Clitoris” and maybe “Vaginal Candidiasis”

    Maybe the albums can correlate to seasons, too. Concept albums. Flora for spring, Candidiasis for summer, Hooded in fall, Inner for winter.

    Reply
  13. Jodi 13.May.08 at 8:36 am

    Candidiasis for those like me who had no idea. Also I wonder if it’s named after the Voltaire character Candide.

    P.S. I think the band can use the dictionary.com pronunciation sound clip in their first single

    Reply
  14. Thomas 13.May.08 at 10:47 am

    May I also ask for grown men to stop referrting to their “junk”? Nads, nerts, The Boys, The Twins, Nuts, Nizzuts, sack, Bait & Tackle, Twigs & Berries and or Gentials is fine. Junk sounds like you have a male yeast infection.

    Reply
  15. Peabo 13.May.08 at 8:14 pm

    AC–I’ll do one better–if I hear a kid use it I’ll make them research the word on their own and write a report on what douching means.

    Reply
  16. AC 13.May.08 at 8:22 pm

    Peabo- YES! I totally want to read that report.
    This whole conversation has me thinking I really need to volunteer somewhere so I can teach sex ed. But, since I am not a teacher or nurse I imagine most people will just think I am creepy if I start asking to talk to middle school kids about sex.

    Reply
  17. Jodi 14.May.08 at 1:09 pm

    Perhaps, I am juvenile, but I kind of love the term Junk.

    Reply
  18. NBFB 16.May.08 at 11:48 am

    Douche – best word ever and I’ll never stop.

    Junk – I like this one too. Even got the boy using it.

    Reply

Leave a Reply to Jodi Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.