Comments on: you might be a father, but you sure ain’t a dad

By: Thomas

Thomas — Tue, 28 May 2002 15:18:50 +0000

I admire your honesty and writing ability. You sound like a person my wife and I would like if we met you, and someone we could hang around with playing videogames et al.

That’s it, I wanted to say thanks. If you every wander to Michigan, drop a line.

By: betsy

betsy — Tue, 28 May 2002 12:22:11 +0000

Jodi, I think you are right to not harbor the resentment and realize that your parents are not perfect. My daughter asked me the other day why if God is in everything and created everything would God have created sickness. I told her that sometimes illness and sickness can be a strong teaching tool. It sounds like the heart attack did for your father something that really needed to be done. I guess in writing the comments about your mother I’m thinking of the whole family dynamic, how it affects us and the patterns still crop up in our day to day distresses, you know, why we feel competitive with coworkers, siblings, and inadequate. Maybe by recognizing some of the roots we understand why, not that we condone them or hate them, just that we gain understanding. By seeing what others have learned, maybe we will suffer less, have more compassion and more tolerance of why people react to certain situations. By writing about these things I really hope it allows you to release them and not let them burden you, also knowing that they’ve taught you a lot to be a whole person. take care, you still are that beautiful shining girl who’s picture you showed us. Believe in her, don’t let anyone knock her or others like her down.

By: Calli

Calli — Tue, 28 May 2002 03:26:38 +0000

Situations are different, but have some similarity. There were many times when it seemed my mother chose my brother over me. My feelings and my safety seemed less important than ‘keeping peace’. In her efforts to ‘keep peace’, my father knew little or nothing of the violence involved in my relationship with my brother. He was confused and felt betrayed when I crashed and burned emotionally. He pulled away from me then. I had two parents, but felt abandoned for a very lomg time. And angry.

But, like you, I think they did the best they could with what they knew at the time. I understand that my mother was lost and didn’t know what to do about the rages. I understand feeling the need to hide what was wrong or deny the seriousness of it.

I’m nearly as old now as she was then. Parents aren’t perfect. They’re just people… lost, confused, and scared sometimes.

And you’re right… being angry now is a waste of energy. You’re a strong, wonderful woman, Jodi. Thank you for sharing something so difficult and personal.

By: jodi

jodi — Tue, 28 May 2002 01:30:21 +0000

much like my father, i think she did the best she could with the tools she had. i used to beg her to leave him, but she never will. there’s so much there that i can’t ever understand. and really being angry about it still would just take entirely more energy than it’s worth. don’t you think?

By: betsy

betsy — Tue, 28 May 2002 00:30:55 +0000

Has your mother ever explained to you why she chose to let your father treat you and your sisters unfairly, rather than stand up to him and help someone who was heavily overweighed by the balance of power in the family? It sounds like she preferred to avoid the conflict she may have encountered even if it meant failing to help her children. that’s sad, it’s like the mother who lets her boyfriend abuse her children. Is a man worth that much? Silence is not always golden, it’s passive aggressive when you don’t step up to the plate to help the disenfranchised, when you can do something about it. I’m tired of people looking the other way, it’s time to take a little self responsibility. If you’re going to have kids, then by all means, protect them, cherish them, and pay attention to their distress!!! If you don’t want to bother, don’t bring them into the world. If they’re in the world, don’t let your spouse abuse them, either physically or mentally and emotionally. there I said my piece, I don’t know if anyone else agrees, but it’s really affected you, so maybe someone else will recognize their own actions and step up to the plate when the need is there.