“why can’t you just bloody exist?! i slam the empty pillow next to me, throw it at the ceiling. the imaginary film i was projecting there quickly dissipates and the four walls come into focus; welcome to my world. one day i’ll be able to look back on this, one day i will find her. the pillow has fallen back down and landed on my face. i am lying there in the darkness, my arms spread out on the bed, wishing i was a castaway alone on some island; where my lonely fantasy could be justified. i can feel her arm brush past as she leans over to turn off the alarm. ‘i had a dream about you last night.’ no you didn’t, you don’t even exist. I lean over and turn off the alarm, lie back and she’s already gone.”

They are my words… I just did not write them. But in essence they are what I think.
I cannot believe how shit my life is.

Someone after that post said something abbout everyone suffering depression and they got fixed by getting help. THERE IS NO HELP. Anything they give you makes this 100 times worse.

I know… Zoloft made me realise just how shit I am.

And the girl I’ve loved for years, who I was almost over, has sudenly become a fixation to me, and it’s driving her even further away. She’d fuck the biggest wanker I know, and even now she says he was a wanker in hindsight, but Im … Im something lower… i guess.. cant even have a hug, or a kiss on new years eve.

I hate life, My life. Some poor downtrodden lifeless sod out there could have been given all that I was and made something of it… I just wasted the ticket.

And she will never have me…. Im so alone in this world, I can go days even weeks without speaking to anyone. No one would know I was dead if I died today. No one would know until the stench caused them to check it out.

No one gives a shit, so why should I.

Drink. again… it’s all I have… because it’s all I fucken deserve.

I’ll love you forever vanessa… even tho you wouldnt care if I just dissapeared… i wish I could stop it. I wish I could forget about you.

But alone and lonely I will die… twice tried, third times a charm…