Online Dating Advice I Gave to FFJ at Lunch

FFJ and I meet for lunch a few times a month at Wok in the Park, my favorite Pad Thai joint of all the Pad Thai joints. We meet there so often that the beautiful waitresses rush past our table and say “the usual?”

And then at some point her mild mock dock pad thai with extra peanuts and my four-flames chicken pad thai arrive at our table and all we had to do was nod our heads.

I love being a regular.

The other day at lunch I held court on the realm of online dating.

See, FFJ is in the midst of a divorce and thus tries to live vicariously through my dating life. The midst of the divorce thing has not really changed the living vicariously thing. FFJ has tried to live vicariously through my dating life for as long as I’ve known her (12 years). Sadly, I rarely have a dating life to live through vicariously or otherwise.

But now her interest is more keen than ever since I started out 2015 with my loud proclamations of dating willingness and her encroaching single status.

She was only mildly disappointed when I explained how my interest in dating had waned to nearly nothing. Dating is hard. Getting to know most people is boring. I’m a selfish asshole. I explained to her how you have to wade through so much bullshit to even get to anyone worthy of responding. Then I quickly listed all the reasons I won’t respond to dudes who message me on my dating app of choice.

  • Sexual innuendo username. I just don’t think LongTongue4U69 is gonna be the one for me. I get dude, you like sex. You know what? Most of us do. You aren’t impressing anyone.
  • Big Bang Theory as his favorite TV show. Umm, really?
  • Bad taste in music. Remember how I said I was an asshole?
  • Cheesy opening line. I make it a point not to respond to anyone who calls me beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, or cutie in the first line of their message. I always respond to the guys who call me funny.
  • I’m an entire person who can drink older than they are. I dunno what it is but this fat, cranky, forty-three-year-old gets lots of interest from nineteen-year-olds on the OKCupid. I’m kind of convinced they just want me to buy them beer.
  • Anyone looking for “spontaneous” fun. While rationally these guys are looking for some one-night stand action, I’m convinced they just want to chop me into pieces and leave my body parts strewn around the Twin Cities Metro Area.
  • “You can wear heels when we go out”. Thanks for the permission person I never met before I am glad you are really interested in me as a person and not at all in my freakish height.

This is 97.8% of the reason I haven’t been on a date since like June. I am snobby and lazy and painfully shy.

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