I discovered the magical hair bleaching properties of peroxide the summer of 1987. We started out using Sun-In, but soon discovered that peroxide was way cheaper. This a vital detail. Remember it. We’ll come back to it in a minute.
The trailer for the live-action Jem & The Holograms movie was released today. It is full of suck. It’s a shitty repackaging of that one episode of “Saved by the Bell” where Zack & the Bayside crew form a band but then Zack falls under the spell of a sexy music promoter and becomes Vanilla Iceesque and dumps his friends only to remember that friends are the reason for living. And making music, apparently.
You can watch the trailer, but I wouldn’t advise it.
I’ve been begging for a reboot of Jem & The Holograms since August 18, 2009. And I was wrong. I take it all back. I want this to be erased from the pop cultural context forever and ever.
Jem & The Holograms was one of those things that hit me right where I lived. It was rock & roll and pink hair and sparkles and superheroes presented in a way that totally appealed to me. It was a cartoon about girls, which was hard as hell to find in the after school cartoon catalog.
I loved Jem so much I dressed up as her for Halloween 1987 and Halloween 1988 and Halloween 1989. When you find a good thing you stick with it. Because I had peroxide blonde hair the pink hairspray stained my hair, leaving me with cotton-candy colored streaks and earning me the nickname Jem, which followed me on and off through most of high school. And I kind of loved that.
Who wouldn’t want to be a smart, rich rock & roll star with magical earrings, a bitchen computer, and a band of super-talented women? Fuck, that was like the dream. The actual dream.
This movie is not the Jem & The Holograms I wanted. This is not the Jem & The Holograms GenX women and Millenial women and young women of today deserve. We deserve the rock & roll superhero that was Jerrica Benton/Jem. We deserve magical earrings and supercomputers and actual CGI-ed, big budget holograms. We deserve women who make decisions and care about each other and real female friendships. We deserve the motherfucking Misfits wreaking havoc all over the place.
We deserve a musical landscape where two bands full of women are the biggest thing on the fucking planet. We deserve this in real life too, not just in a Hollywood dreamland.
Instead we get cliche pap we’ve seen a million times and was never very good to begin with.
This is worse than that time they tried to turn A Prayer for Owen Meany into a movie. Hollywood continues to ruin everything.