Things We Can Be Done With Now: Resolutions for the Internet

Tomorrow I will share my personal resolutions. Here’s some that I made for Citizens of the Internet. I’m guilty of more of these than I care to admit. Feel free to add your own. It’s kind of like an airing of grievances so we can start the next year all shiny and happy and less assholey than usual.

  • Proclaiming ignorance regarding some event or person who a lot of people are chattering about. See: Taylor Swift, The Oscars, The Superbowl, or anything else people deem themselves above.
  • Tweeting checkins. It’s 2015 motherfuckers, enough with the Swarm (formerly known as Four Square) checkins. Nobody cares. Not one single person in the whole world.
  • Speaking of which, turn off your nonsense auto-tweets about your horoscope or number of followers or number of re-tweets you’ve gotten. It makes you look stupid. Let’s start 2015 by not looking stupid, okay?
  • Tweeting something along the lines of “Quirky Thing I Have Just Done: A Memoir” or “Annoying Thing Dot Tumblr Dot Com.” Yeah, I’m guilty as hell when it comes to this one. It’s fun, but you see that shark over there? We’re jumping it right now as I type. And along the lines of this one, writer & book people, we really, really, really need to retire the ‘What We Talk About When We Talk About. . .’ headline. Please, for the love of Raymond Carver, let’s put this one out to pasture.
  • Knee-jerk reactions. I’ve got a bad temper, too. You know what helps? Counting to ten, taking a deep breath, and then thinking a little bit. Just a little. Let’s cut each other some slack in 2015. We all do stupid things give people time to atone. Also, there’s much to be said about the ol’ cliche “forgive and forget.”
  • Hash Salad. This has gotten better on Twitter over the years, but man is it ridiculous over on Instagram. #I #Just #Don’t #Understand #Why #You #Need #So #Many #Hashtags. #Does #It #Increase #Viewership #For #That #Photo #Of #Your #Fall #Leaves. Also, how do you have time for such bullshit? My god, go take another picture and stop with the hash.
  • Talking about the amount of email you have. Nobody cares if you’re at Inbox Zero or Inbox 88,191 or if you have a lot of email to respond to. We get it, you’re a very important person with a lot of people demanding your attention. Now shut up and respond to your fucking email.
  • tbh = Face it tbh, an acronym for “to be honest,” is the “just saying” of 2014. Whenever you add tbh to your tweet/update it makes me think, so all the other times you aren’t being honest.
  • smh/smdh = Fuck you and your damn judgmental head shaking.
  • Using the First Amendment to try to escape consequences of something you said/tweeted/wrote. The First Amendment starts “Congress shall make no law. . .” It doesn’t mention anything at all about being free to say what you want without consequences. Me calling you an asshole because of your shitty sexist joke does not hurt your First Amendment rights one little bit.
  • Using the term “butt hurt.” KNOCK IT OFF. Really, just stop it.
  • I can’t even. Guess what? You don’t have to even. Also, you have the option to shut up until you can even.
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2 Comments

  1. Wolfdogg 30.Dec.14 at 12:25 pm

    You forgot ‘Commenting on someone’s list pointing out something they missed’ in an attempt to make yourself feel superior. Also… adding ‘see what I did there’ to your comment, when in fact, everyone can see what you did there.

    Reply
    1. Jodi 30.Dec.14 at 12:29 pm

      I see what you did there.

      Reply

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