Monday afternoon I sat across from my FFJ in a booth at my favorite Thai restaurant. FFJ is going through some serious grown up emotional business but that did stop my self-indulgent keening.
At one point she looked at me and with the utmost sincerity said, “I’m sorry people aren’t doing exactly what you want them to do the moment you want them to do it.”
“I hate everybody,” I whined.
“Yeah,” she said. “You have the fuck all y’alls.”
And boy is she right. I’m so deep down in it I don’t think I’ll ever get above it.
I use that stupid Nine Inch Nails lyric every August and February when the Fuck All Y’Alls strike. My seasonal moods swing with such alarming frequency that at Family Dinner last week Jaycie busted out this truth, “You just get crabby because the seasons don’t change as quickly as you want and you get bored.”
She went on to explain how I always want spring in March and I want fall in August. She is right. I hate that. I hate everything, of course.
I started to write a list of everything I hated at the moment. It was good and long and included: my toenails, my house, my life, being patient, allergies, everything I’ve ever written and everything I will ever write.
AND I know that hatey lists full of hate do nothing good for anybody, even when you have an acute case of the fuck all y’alls, because you just hate that you hate everything.
It is so much fun in my brain right now. Anti-bummers are in order. This list will be short and probably have some hate in it.
- Peanut Butter
- Work was very busy this week which distracted me from my brain, Robin Williams, and the fact that police kill unarmed black people.
- Sweetness #9by Stephan Eirik Clark.
- That photo up there of the new CSA. Every week when I drive down that road in Ruby I pretend I’m the kind of woman who wears cowboy boots and sundresses and there’s a cowboy who sings me Cover Me Up before we go to sleep.
- Speaking of which night after reading & before sleep I shuffled up Jason Isbell’s “Chicago Promenade” and it made me smile.
- My rich and colorful fantasy life.
- I don’t have to leave Supergenius HQ today which means I have all the time to write and read and clean my bedroom and nap.