Well I Lost My Heart, it Didn’t Take No Time

I warned everyone that I had big plans to cry through Jeremy Messersmith’s “It’s Only Dancing” when he played it at Rock the Garden on Saturday.

And I did. I cried through most of his set, because it was pretty rad. But I have to confess my tear ducts were pretty primed by the time he took the stage.

See, Sister #2 emotionally leveled me before she even fully sat down next to me Saturday afternoon.

“I accepted a position at Portland State University,” she said, settling in. “We’re moving to Portland.”
“That sucks,” I said, tears spurting from my eyes.
“Jaycie asked if she could live with you,” she said. “But I told her no.”
“She could,” I said, still crying.
“I told her I wasn’t done parenting her yet.”
“What about Walter?” I asked, because I thought if maybe I got the dog I wouldn’t be so devastated by their departure.
“He’s going with us.”
“This sucks,” I said, still crying.
“No,” she said. “It’s good thing. Oh, you’re crying. I knew I shouldn’t tell you today.”
“Of course I am,” I cried some more. “You guys are the only ones who care about me here.”

She was stunned silent for moment by the speaking of a familial truth we all know but never acknowledge. My general self-sufficiency plus my lack of children makes me easily forgotten by the rest of my immediate family unless they need something from me (computer help, a place to stay, child care).

“I still care about you,” she said.
I shrugged and cried because I was way deep down in the self-pity pit. Then she told me all about how fabulous this was — a huge raise, getting paid to do research over the summer, money to relocate, and Portland. How they’d come back for the summers.

“That’s really great,” I said, still crying. “But I still hate it.”

Stupid Portland. Stupid smarty-pants, ambitious sisters. Stupid everything.

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2 Comments

  1. Suzy 27.Jun.14 at 11:35 pm

    I feel your pain. My bff is moving to the UAE for 2 years, and all anyone tells me is that I can visit her. Well duh, but I won’t be able to just hang out with her during the week and stuff. I am trying to keep my selfishness under control. It is worse for you because of the kids as well. Sorry. But congratulations to your sister as well.

    Reply
    1. Jodi 28.Jun.14 at 11:52 am

      Ugh. The UAE is a hell of a lot farther away than Portland. I’m so sorry to hear that. People keep telling me I can visit, and I know I can, but it’s not the same at all. The other day my niece & nephew stopped by my house with a dozen donuts, and hung out for a few hours. They can’t do that from Portland, can they?

      It’s such a weird kind of grief. You want to be happy for the people you love but it’s just so damn hard when you’re so sad about it.

      Reply

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